Notes from the Litterbox

Dear Diary,

Today is gonna be AWESOME!!!

It's been great so far.  First, when I woke up - before the big bright ball lights up the sky - I went to perform my most important duty of the day.  I have to wake up my People!

They don't let me sleep with them in their Big Kitty Bed, even though there is room for me.  (But that's okay.  Sometimes, when they leave for the day, I test it, just to make sure it is still a good bed for them.)  So I wait outside the door every morning and I meow to make sure they don't sleep in.  Sometimes, they don't hear me and I worry that they won't wake up in time to feed me, so I meow louder, and I keep meowing.  Usually it's the Short Curvy One who gets up first, and I follow her into the White Room.  She uses her litter box (which transforms into a water bowl, OMG!) and pets me.  If I purr, she hugs me.  Which is great, but she squeezes kind of hard.  Then the Furless One wakes up and goes downstairs.  He looks at my bowls and ignores them.  Sometimes he goes into my toilet and scoops out my poo.  What could the People possibly want with that stuff?  He puts it into little bags, like he is going to save it for later.  People are so gross sometimes.  After he looks at my bowls, I lick myself several times.  

The Furless One doesn't feed me, so I play with his feet.  He LOVES it!  He picks me up and shoves his face in mine.  He keeps making a noise that sounds like "NONOSTOPITNOCUTITOUTNONO!"  Actually, the Short Curvy One does, too.  That must be how they say they love me!  That's so cute!  They also try to give me baths a lot, with water from a little blue bottle, when I sit on the tables.  Silly People.  They don't understand that I clean MYSELF.  Several times a day.  In fact, I'm doing it right now.

I wait for the Short Curvy One to put food into my bowl.  She keeps filling it with this hard crunchy stuff but it is SOOO gross.  If I dance around and sing loudly enough, for a long enough time, when she seems pre-occupied with something that isn't me, she will sometimes reward my talents with some soft gooey food from a can.  OMG I love that stuff!  I could swim in it!  I mean, I would if I liked to swim, of course.

Then they hurry to leave me alone and guard then house until they come home.  I lick myself a few more times, and watch them leave from the back of the chair - my chair, that is.  I heard the Short Curvy One say something about it being my throne.  I don't know exactly what a throne is, but it sounds like something very special and I should probably be proud to have one of my own.

I eat a couple more bites of that nasty crunchy stuff, but then I get really bored.  I wish that they'd leave that bright box on for me.  The one in the food room, that beeps and spins things in circles.  That is the coolest thing I've ever seen!  The best part is that when the things start to turn inside, they also smell really yummy!  I keep hoping it'll pop open and drop a treat for me, but it never does.  Maybe I have to dance better and sing louder for it.

Well, there's plenty more to do today, so I made myself a list so I wouldn't forget anything:

8:30 - 8:45 - Lick myself
8:45 - 10:30 - Nap on rug
10:30 - 11:15 - Watch birds
11:15 - 12:00 - Tease neighbor's idiot beagle
12:00 - 1:30 - Lick myself
1:30 - 2:15 - Nap on couch
2:15 - 3:00 - Explore basement
3:00 - 3:05 - Try to eat dry kibble
3:05 - 3:30 - Sniff in trash can for something better to eat
3:30 - 3:45 - Lick myself
3:45 - 4:30 - Nap on bed (remember: leave thank-you present!)
4:30 - 10:15 - Attempt to secure treats from the Short Curvy One
10:15 - 10:30 - Poop in litter box WHILE Furless One is cleaning it
10:30 - ? - Guard the People's bedroom from intruders and/or insects

Wow, so much to do!  Well, dear diary, I'd better get started.  I'm exhausted just thinking about it!  Maybe I'll switch things up and take my nap first, after all.

Love and licks,
Thor "Thundercat" Godlove