Let's All Make Celery Curls the Quick and Easy Way!

I know we often have an idealized view about the fabulous 1950's.  In spite of the rainbow of kitschy colors, the blooming technological advances and the apex of the nuclear family, with its perfect little house, white picket fence and 2.5 children, I know that there were a lot of underlying struggles in America that were hidden by housewives straining to keep their kitchens and their laundry sparkling clean.  Still, sometimes I dream of having a life back then, when things were still somehow simpler, more authentic, more...wholesome? 

Well...except for the food. 

With that in mind (and clutching lovingly to my fresh cilantro, avocados, whole wheat pasta and skim milk - none of which seemed to find any type of home in the 1950's), I wanted to share some more "recent" kitchen tips with you, which you may find as appealing as mandarin orange slices suspended in glittering aspic.  Garnished with parsley, of course.

As a bit of a joke, my step-mum gave me Mary Ellen's Best of Helpful Kitchen Hints (copyright 1980) that she had either found lying around the house or discovered at a yard sale.  Being all for anything vintage, retro, or kitschy, I dove right in.  Apparently, I forgot that in 1980, many women, and certainly housewives, were still chained to the stove all day, worrying about such crucial issues as reviving wilted lettuce, the yellow-ness of their potato salad and walnuts sinking to the bottom of muffins while they bake.

Heavens. To. Betsy.

Now, I'm saying this as a fairly conservative (i.e., "old-fashioned") woman who genuinely loves cooking and being in the kitchen.  So you know this stuff is rough.  But you make your own decision.  Let me share some of these valuable insights with you.  May I?

"To make celery curls: Cut celery into three- to four-inch pieces.  Cut each piece into narrow strips, leaving about an inch at the end uncut to hold the piece together, then put them in ice water until they curl, about half an hour."  Celery curls?  What, are they garnish for a salad?  Pfft, that's what bacon is for.

"Boil cracked eggs in aluminum foil twisted at both ends."  Or, you could bite the bullet and just scramble the darn thing.  It's already halfway there.

"Have your canned ham sliced by the butcher, then tie it back together, garnish with pineapple, and bake.  No messy job of slicing it hot."  Maybe not, but your butcher will think you're a loon for bringing him a can of ham to chop up.  Then he'll make fun of you when you leave.

"To make bacon curls, fry only until cooked but not crisp.  Then take bacon from the skillet and twist around the tines of a fork.  Pierce with a wooden toothpick and broil under a low flame to complete crisping."  Oops, I spoke too soon about the bacon.  Not only does it get special treatment, too, but it can hang out with the celery curls on top of my salad.  And it only takes three times as long to prepare!  Brilliant!

"Grind beans until coffee is very fine, or use a food processor.  You'll need about one-third less coffee than you ordinarily would."  And you think no one will notice the brackish bitterness of your ill-used espresso grind, hmm?  You probably used too much water in your Mr. Coffee, too.  Heathen.  Or better yet...

"Reuse old coffee grounds by placing them in the oven on a flat pan for half an hour at 350 degrees.  Then combine with half the usual amount of fresh-ground coffee."  Because your guests aren't worth the fifteen cents that pot of fresh coffee actually costs you.

"Pizza cuts more easily with scissors."  It's arts and crafts time!  While we're at it, I can also fold your napkin into a swan and glue sequins to your fork. 

"For wrinkled buns, moisten them slightly and heat in a 350 degree oven for a few minutes.  No more wrinkles."  Does this work on people, too?  What about shar-peis?

"Make fresh onion salt instantly: Cut a slice from the top of the onion, sprinkle salt on its juice, and scrape with a knife."  Or, you could, you know...buy onion salt for 89 cents at Giant Eagle.

"Reuse cards you receive for any occasion by putting a little household bleach on a cloth and rubbing gently over any handwriting."  Because re-gifting isn't cheap enough.  Introducing: re-carding!

There's pages and pages more about what to do if it's windy during your outdoor meal (sew pockets into the corners of your tablecoth and weight it down with keys...which is far more sensible than my mother using her staple-gun, anyway), how to ensure your loaf of bread is crusty, but not too crusty, unless it's supposed to be crusty, then it will be very crusty, and so on and so forth.  Sometimes, I read over the book for a laugh while I'm eating my vitamin-fortified whole grain cereal with vanilla flavored organic soy milk and drinking my sustainably-sourced Kenyan coffee and as my husband is blending non-fat Greek yogurt with whole California strawberries, pulp-free Florida orange juice and clover honey to make his smoothie.

Man, people used to be so fussy about their food, huh?