An Updated Adage

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stonger.  In fact, it's all over the radio: Britney Spears ("Stronger"), Christina Aguilara ("Fighter"), Kelly Clarkson ("Stronger"), Kanye West ("Stronger"), and Li'l Chris ("Fighters").

I don't believe that.  Not entirely.  In my experience, both with Christians and non-believers, what doesn't kill you makes you bitter.

It can make you stronger, but that rarely happens by default, and it never happens immediately.  This only happens if you make a conscious decision that whatever disappointment or pain you are facing, you will allow it to mold and strengthen your character - no matter how long it takes.  If you make another decision, or if you choose not to make one at all, the automatic human response is bitterness, resentment, envy.

I'd like to direct you to my friend Shannon's blog.  Shannon and I weren't particularly close when we were younger - I had just joined the church and she'd already had a fairly close group of friends.  But as we're getting older (OMG, we're already 30!), we're finding that we have more in common than enjoying soy Caramel Macchiatos.  Both of us have faced some pretty horrible situations in our lives - my parents' divorce, her first marriage, and both of us losing pregnancies.  I've always secretly admired her because I considered her so much cooler than me.  She wore skinny pants and flats before they were "in" and she's always expressed herself creatively and with flair.  The reason I mention all of this is hardly to earn brownie points with her, but for you to read her latest few blogs - about loss, deception, and divorce.  Truth is, even though my parents and hers are best friends, I never knew the whole story about her first marriage.  As it's emerging through her writing, I am horrified and saddened, but so proud of her for finding her voice in this situation and having the guts to share it - even to do so respectfully. 

What I'm trying to say is that if she hadn't made the choice to allow what didn't kill her to make her stronger, she could have stayed in an abusive relationship and ended up - quite possibly - dead.   Or she could have moved on but become hateful, spiteful and unreceptive.  She chose to allow the circumstances to strengthen her and make her wiser.  She's choosing to encourage and enlighten others who are walking through the same fires.

Let me tell you something: I think that somehow, sometimes, people think that we have this hotline to God that allows us to understand tragedy.  They challenge us to "explain how a loving God would let [earthquake, molestation, rape, shootings, etc.] happen.  But here's the thing: in that arena, we're in the exact same boat as those who believe in a different god, or no god.  We don't have an answer!

The difference is that, as I mentioned in Shannon's situation, we believe that there is a plan and even sadness is a part of it.  We believe that humans have free will, choose to hurt themselves and others and, therefore, are the cause of much of the evil in the world.  If God chose destroy every mind that housed thoughts of sexual immorality, set ablaze every publisher that printed trashy novels, and send lighting after every hypocritical Christian, guess what?

He'd be all alone again, and the earth would be empty.

I hesitate to say that God puts tragedy in our path.  That truly does defy the definition of the God I believe in.  But because of the nature of free will, he does allow us to make our own choices and then react to them.  Sometimes, the choices that are made are not ours, but we have to react anyway.  Perhaps our spouse left us, or our employer downsized, or we cannot concieve children, or cancer strikes a friend.  These are circumstances beyond our control, but we can look to God and say, "use this to make me better - more patient, more loving, more wise."  Or we can face the situations ourselves - and become controlled by them. 

Some people ride the waves of life.  When things are breezy and beautiful, they are kind, benevolent and thoughtful.  When the waters turn stormy, they are ready to throw you overboard to save themselves!  Others understand that you can't truly call yourself a sailor unless you've learned how to steer in bad weather.  They've allowed those experiences to teach them, train them, and challenge them, because they know they'll be better for it.

Shannon is one of those sailors.  I like to think that I am, too, although I'm just entering into another stormy sea myself and I'm not entirely sure how I'll fare this time.  One thing I know, though, is that no matter how battered my bow or how torn my sails, I will pull through because I have made the choice that what doesn't kill me will not make me bitter, or angry, or jealous...

...but stronger.

(And, by the way, if you want some really encouraging lyrics about strength, try "Stronger" by Mandisa, "Strong Enough" by Matthew West, which is the song that encouraged by after my first miscarriage, or "Gold" by Beckah Shae, which is my current ringtone.  If you listen, you'll realize why!)