Well, I wanted my first blog after my unexpected hiatus to be deep, significant, and thoroughly thought-out. But ain't nobody got time for dat, so here's my "ketch-up" version. Don't interrupt. Read on.
1. I got a new job. I now work in a pediatricians' office. I'm still adapting to working full-time after 6 months of unemployment (part of the reason I haven't written lately). I generally like it quite a bit. Sometimes my heart aches when newborns come in, but most of the time I enjoy what I do.
2. I'm back on the weight-loss train. After stalling out after my mom's passing, I'm now exercising five times a week (35-45 minutes of brisk walking during my lunch hour, which for me equals around 2 miles). When I told my family I was planning on signing up for the Great Race in September, they smiles politely and said nothing. Which is the response I also got from my husband. Completely understandable, given my history of (a) hating exercise; (b) having trouble completing tasks, and (c) hating exercise. But I'm still going to try. I am starting out with teensy-tiny baby steps so I don't get discouraged. My blood pressure is going up again - inexplicably - and I know this will help.
3. Ross is still actively looking for a better job. He had an interview with Duquesne, which was something that we hardly even imagined would happen. He was one of only three people considered for the position, but he did not get an offer. I had a harder time than him about it, and had several temper tantrums that were directed at God for being "unfair" and "tricking us". Yes, even we "mature Christians" struggle to understand how and why God allows certain things to happen that don't seem to make any sense at all. I've calmed down considerably, but we are still fighting discouragement about his career situation.
4. We're going to Disney! I'm not telling when, because then all my Facebook stalkers (pfft, yeah, 'cause there's hundreds of them) will loot my house while we're away...but we have plans, it's paid for, and I'm crazy excited for my first-ever trip to the Magical-est Place on Earth!
5. Loki now plays catch in addition to playing fetch. If I bought into the theory of reincarnation, I'd say it was 100% evident that kitten was a Golden Retriever in a previous life. WHOSE CAT DOES THAT?
6. I found a pair of red snakeskin-print stilettos at K-Mart for $3.99.
Now, here's where we take a more serious turn. Another huge change that took place recently is that Ross and I made the difficult decision to step down as the youth leaders at Berean Fellowship and North Church. It was a choice that was, unfortunately, a long time coming. Around the time of our third miscarriage, we began to struggle a little with our obligations. It became more of a chore than a joy. Then I lost my job, and even though I had more time to work on youth-related events, it was something I was forcing myself to do. Ross and I repeatedly heard ourselves saying "no, we have church on Saturday" when our friends or family wanted to make plans. (Don't get me wrong, Pastors Mark and Steph are NOT slave-drivers! We could have taken off days here and there when we needed them! But, for our purposes, things were often last-minute and we couldn't really find a pinch-hitter two days before we were due to teach. It wasn't fair to the people we'd be asking for help.) We loved our church (and still do) but were lacking the fellowship of our circle of peers (many of whom we'd met at the now-defunct young adults' group The Bridge). Ross's sister Lindsey was in town twice (we only see her a few times a year, at best) and both times we were unable to see her. Then, his dad had a stroke right before Christmas, the healing from which has been complicated by his Parkinson's. And then, in February, my mother died. (It still sucks royally to even type those words.) And I still wasn't finding work. My unemployment was running out. Things were really ugly.
Dealing with the pressures of so much loss in such a short period, we weren't treating the kids the way we wanted to - heck, we weren't treating ourselves the way we should have been! Ross and I went back and forth debating, discussing, and even arguing about what was best for us, for the kids, and the church. We were concerned that the kids would feel we had abandoned them. We were concerned that we were giving up simply because the job was tough. We were concerned that we were letting down our church - and God. We were concerned that people would fear we were leaving the church (that fear WAS confirmed as several members of the congregation did approach us with concerned whispers, asking if we were heading elsewhere - at least they came to us instead of letting their imaginations run wild; we were grateful for that respect!). We prayed about it and finally brought it up to Pastor Mark - but God had already given him a hint as to what was in our hearts. We received nothing but encouragement and understanding from him, which confirmed that we had made the right choice for this season in our lives. Our goal right now is to focus on our friends and families - to spend time with them. To help Ross's dad with his antiques business. To see our nieces' recitals. To grill ridiculously delicious burgers on my aunt and uncle's patio. To hop from estate sale to estate sale with Deana as she hustles for eBay treasures. To see our friends' new babies. To reconnect with the many relationships God has given us.
We love our church family dearly. We love serving. We love being trusted as leaders, even if we don't carry a title anymore. We love our pastors, who never made us feel like failures - or even that we were giving up at all! We love the kids we taught, and we're still a part of their lives. We love talking with them and staying in touch - even if we're maybe not quite as cool as the incoming leaders, Tim and Victoria. But we're grateful that God's voice is persistent, and he kept telling us what was most important in our lives right now.
We still want children. Desperately. We feel that God is using this season to draw us closer to him and the network of loving friends and family we have in order to make that dream a reality. We have a "plan" in place, but experience has taught us that God loves wrecking our plans because we dream TOO SMALL. His goals for us are so much bigger than we can wrap our minds around...and sometimes we have to take a step back and be willing to wait for his next step to be revealed.
That's where we are right now. Waiting with a purpose.
Yeah, that doesn't make it any easier. But here we are. Go ahead, God. I'm watching for you.
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