Entering New Territory...

For much of my life, I'm afraid I chose to take a pessimistic viewpoint.  On pretty much everything.  People probably woulnd't like me; I probably wouldn't get the roles I auditioned for, I probably wouldn't ever get married; people would probably misunderstand me; I'd probably never be happy.

I wish I could say that, when I found Christ, that attitude changed overnight and I woke up a wide-eyed, fantastically-coiffed Disney princess with a melody in my heart, but things didn't work out that way.  Instead, my journey away from pessimism has crossed a long bridge of realism and there have been detours into rationalism and egoism, fanaticism and legalism, materialism and idealism. 

I still sometimes struggle with anxiety stemming from assuming the worst about people and situations.  It's not debilitating, not anything that needs medication or counseling (at least I think not), but it sometimes interferes with my relationships and my sense of peace.

Today was one of those days where NONE of that applied.  It should have, but it didn't.

Around 3:00 today, I was called into my manager's office and respectfully told that since the company had recently lost so many major clients, lay-offs were necessary.

And I was one of them.

I cocked my head to one side and heard words coming out of my mouth, but I don't remember thinking them or even really saying them.  I said something along the lines of understanding that the situation must be stressful and difficult for her, and asking for a reference, and asking if the change was effective immediately.

Yes, yes, and yes, came the replies.

And I shook her hand, thanked her, and left the office.

I returned to my desk, pulled down the pictures of my husband and myself, put my empty coffee mug into my bag, and - in the back of my mind, somewhere - I thought that it was infinitely convenient that I'd left my cloth grocery bag in my desk the night before, so I had somewhere to put my pictures and coffee mugs.

It seemed to me that the layoffs were being done quietly, so I didn't say anything as I left.  I assume that my co-workers thought I was headed to another doctor's appointment, and I left it at that.

I feel that this was a fairly sudden decision.  I had just been moved from my cardiology account to work on two I hadn't worked on before.  I had moved to a desk in another part of the office, and I was really excited for the challenge.  I was ready for a fresh start, to apply some of the things I had learned previously, and to really put my all into working these new accounts.  I had determined that I wouldn't get behind on my work, that I would stay positive, and that I would be as organized and neat as I possibly could. 

Even though I'd only been on the accounts for a week, I was feeling pretty good. 

Today was definitely unexpected.  I left the office in a little bit of a daze, but when I got to the parking lot, I was in my right mind, at least enough to destroy a large bug that landed on my door, while simultaneously waving good-bye to two of my co-workers and talking to my husband on the phone (shock does not, apparently, affect my ability to multi-task). 

Ross took things extremely well.  He even joked that I told him the wrong way.  I was supposed to ask him to join me for lunch - like he did when he lost his job at the Treasury Department.  Of course, I came home and immediately applied for unemployment and starting the job hunt.  Dollar Bank, I am hoping, would take me back, and there are a lot of options out there for me.  Still, I am dead-set on having regular daylight hours so I can continue to work with the youth at church.  At this point, that is now my number one priority. 

It has to be.  If I overanalyze, I might lose my mind again.

So, in the meantime, I'll write, I'll photograph, I'll keep dreaming.  I will do something.  I am grateful that I am quickly coming to terms with our most recent loss, or this whole situation would be an ugly bomb of mascara-smeared depression waiting to explode.  See?  God knew.  People can say what they want.  I don't care.  I don't believe that God brings evil situations into our lives, but I do believe that he gives us the opportunity to learn from them and use them to prepare for our futures.  The way that this last miscarriage unfolded brought me sorrow but a lot of peace.  If this one had been like the last, losing my job would have been absolute chaos.  Knowing myself, I believe it would have sent me packing back for the road towards pessimism.  Maybe worse.

But that's not how things happened.  And there's a reason.

Just last night, Pastor Stephanie shared with our leadership small group a lesson: that stretching for your goals is impossible without first having goals.  Sometimes they are God-given, others they are given by parents, employers, or teachers. 

And so here is mine, without fanfare, without fuss, for all the internet to see: as I am looking for another job that allows me to keep working with the youth, I am going to finish my book.  The one that's been rolling around in my head for a year and a half now, the one that's been on my mind almost as much as my grief.  The one that makes me laugh when I think about it.  The one that I picture in my head like a movie.

The one that was meant to be written.