Deconstructing Christmas

Overall, I have mostly come to terms with Christmas music.  No, I really, REALLY don't want to hear it for a solid 6 weeks every year, but I admit that it makes the sometimes-tedious task of wrapping gifts a bit more fun.  Plus, my baby son seems to like it when I dance to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for him.

I prefer the sacred songs to the secular ones, but I find there is one thing that many Christmas songs, regardless of origin, have in common.

Incredibly.  Ridiculous.  Lyrics.  Weird word choices.  Creepy phrases.

Please, allow me to explain in the form of a top ten list (in no particular order).

#10. Winter Wonderland: Later on, we'll conspire / As we dream by the fire / To face unafraid / The plans that we've made / Walking in a winter wonderland.  What kind of plans were you making that you have to note you're unafraid to follow through on them?  I mean, are we talking going skiing on a too-steep slope or an attempt at world domination here?

Image from christmas-kid.com.

#9: Do You Hear What I Hear? A child, a child shivers in the cold / Let us bring Him silver and gold / Let us bring Him silver and gold.  No.  Just no.  The thought is mighty sweet, Your Highness, but the Holy Child could use a nice wool blanket, or maybe some crocheted booties instead.  Thanks.

#8: Away in a Manger: The little Lord Jesus, no crying He makes. Yes, Jesus was God made flesh, but that does NOT mean he was too sweet and angelic to cry.  As a new mom, I can say the chances were really good that little Lord Jesus cried when He was hungry and cried when He was wet and cried when He was tired...it's the human aspect of Him and all.

#7: Little Drummer Boy: Mary nodded / Pa rum pum pum pum.  In the same vein as the above, Mary's a teenage mom, but she isn't stupid.  If her baby just fell asleep, your rat-a-tat-tatting on the drum is not going to be a welcome gift, Ringo.

#6: Little Saint Nick: Christmas comes this time each year.  I love you, Beach Boys.  Really.  You're among my very favorite bands.  But this is akin to saying "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a reindeer with a red nose."  Guys.  Come on.

#5. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year: There'll be scary ghost stories / And tales of the glories / Of Christmases long, long ago.  I never understood this.  Why would you tell ghost stories on Christmas?  Wrong holiday, right?  I don't get it, either. 

Image from mashable.com

#4. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: He sees you when you're sleeping / He knows when you're awake / He knows when you've been bad or good / So be good for goodness sake! This pretty much attributes divine characteristics to Santa.  I'm conservative and according to most folks, a "religious person", so in my opinion, only God himself gets to claim these talents.  So it's a no-go for me.

#3. Frosty the Snowman: Frosty the Snowman / Knew the sun was hot that day / So he said, "Let's run / And have some fun / Now before I melt away."  Hot sun + running = melting even faster.  Basic science, Frosty.  You might be magical, but you're not the brightest crayon in the box.

#2. Last Christmas: I keep my distance/ But you still catch my eye / Tell me baby, do you recognize me / Well, it's been a year; it doesn't surprise me.  Okay, let me get this.  You were passionately in love, gave your heart away, and don't think your lover would recognize you just a year later?  I recognize people I haven't seen for a decade...and I didn't even profess undying love for them.  So, the question is...how dramatically did you change your hair?

#1. Here Comes Santa Claus: So let's give thanks to the Lord above / 'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.  Again, I kind of lean to the right when I celebrate Christmas...so thanking God for Santa Claus - and not for the birth of Jesus - seems kind of selfish and icky to me.  I guess I should apologize if this seems a bit on the biting end of sarcastic.  It's only the past two years I've really been able to enjoy Christmas after years of bad memories associated with the holidays.  Still...some lyrics are almost as inane as what you hear in pop music.  Just something to think about.

As I'm listening to Christmas music, of course.  My husband is rewriting some of the lyrics for me: "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you returned it to K-Mart."

And he's cheery WITHOUT the addition of rum in his eggnog. 


Merry Christmas, everyone!

Dear Santa...

I suppose, during a season which has sadly become a paean to commercialization, greediness and our general inability to appreciate what we have, it’s a good time to post my Christmas wish list. I admit, maybe it’s a teensy bit snarky.  But, the good news is, nothing costs a cent!  Will Santa deliver?  I’ll be listening for those tap-tapping reindeer hooves on my roof…

Dear Santa Claus,

I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked, but surely you can understand that I’ve been working full-time for years now, and volunteering and other things, so, well, my holidays have been busy.  I thought maybe I’d take it easy on you this year, seeing as how I’m getting back into this whole “wish list” thing.  Your elves can take their union break, because all I want is…

1.      For drivers to use their headlights when it’s dark out.  You, of all people, Santa, understand how incredibly important this is.  I’m sure you have annual inspections done on Rudolph’s nose just to make sure there are no loose wires.  You seem to take flying very seriously, and I’m certain that safety is vital to your success.   I’m hoping that those of us who don’t fly sleds can perhaps begin to follow your example.  And…while you’re at it, Santa, can you please make sure that all those expensive cars, the Jaguars and BMWs and Benzes…please, please make sure that they are being properly equipped with turn signals.  I never see them being used and I’m so afraid these people are spending all this money on these beautiful cars and getting cheated out of the most basic equipment.  It’s a crying shame.

2.      For new parents to stop naming their sons “Brayden”.  Seriously.  I work in a doctors’ office, Santa.  And like every third new baby boy coming in is named Brayden.  Or Braedan.  Or Bradeynn.  You get the idea.  Please, Santa, direct those moms-to-be some good old-fashioned baby name websites for Christmas?

3.      For my old professors to find great new jobs.  Jobs with dignity.  Since you see everything, Santa, you know that many of the administrators at Clarion University has been very, very naughty this year and retrenched a lot of my favorite professors and teachers, claiming that there weren’t enough funds to keep arts education alive.  I know you’d never do that to any of your elves – especially not the extra personable, talented ones who make you look really good.

4.      More of a “Peanuts” Christmas and less of a “Lady Gaga” Christmas.  You know what I’m saying, Santa.  More “we” and less “me” this year. And less nudity, I guess.  That would be cool.  Since even if people don't consider it a religious holiday, it's still supposed to be a family-friendly one, right?  I knew you'd understand.

 Thanks, Santa.  And sorry there won't be any cookies this year.  My oven broke last week.  Can I interest you in a bag of cheese curls and some Mountain Dew instead?  You're the best.

                                                                                                    Love, Becky

                                     

  

 

New Year, New Food!

In spite of the recent trauma in my kitchen, I am pleased to report that there have been some successful dishes as well!  In fact, some may become future holiday traditions.  The first three recipes below are slightly modified versions of Chex Mix recipes that you can typically find online or on cereal boxes.  My sister-in-law, Rachel, has picked the Buffalo-Ranch as her favorite.  Ross likes anything he can get his hands on.  Which works out well, considering that one of the four food groups in our home is "Crunchy".  The kraut recipe was also a surprising hit with my parents, who came over for New Year's dinner.  I didn't know if my dad would like it, because he's pretty traditional with his kraut expectations, but he and Deana loved it and took the leftovers with them!

 Buffalo-Ranch Chex Mix

In a large microwavable bowl, combine 4 or so cups each of Rice Chex and Wheat Chex cereal with 4 cups of White Cheddar Cheez-its, 4 cups of small soda crackers, and 2 cups of pretzel sticks.   In another, smaller microwavable bowl, melt 6 tablespoons of butter for about 40 seconds or until melted.  Stir in 2 tablespoons of your favorite hot sauce (use less if you want a milder flavor), 1 packet of ranch dressing mix (ranch dip mix will make the end product a little more garlicky, if you prefer that) and 2 teaspoons of celery seed.  Once well-stirred, pour over cereal mixture.  Stir until evenly coated.  Microwave, uncovered, on high for 4-5 minutes, stirring every 2 minutes.  Spread on paper towels or wax paper to cool.  Store in airtight container.

Honey-Nut Cereal Mix

In a large microwavable bowl, combine 8 cups of Crispix cereal with 2 cups cashews (whole or pieces are both fine).  In a separate microwavable bowl, combine 1/4 cup packed brown sugar, 1/4 cup butter and 1/4 cup honey.  Microwave on high for 1 minute or until mixture begins to boil.  Pour over cereal mixture.  Stir until evenly coated.  Microwave the cereal mixture, uncovered, on high for about 4 minutes, stirring every minute.  Stir in 1 cup of dried cranberries and 1/4 toasted sesame seeds or flaxseed.  Microwave an additional 3 minutes, stirring each minute.  Spread of wax paper to cool.  Once completely cooled, add 3/4 cup of white chocolate chips, mix and store in an airtight container.

Hot Cocoa Snack Mix

 In a small bowl, combine 1/4 cup sugar, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, and 1 tablespoon hot chocolate drink mix or mocha powder.  In a large, microwavable bowl, mix 4 cups popped popcorn, 2 cups Chocolate Cheerios and 3 cups Rice Chex.  Microwave 1/4 cup butter on high about 40 seconds until melted.  Pour over cereal, stirring until coated.  Microwave cereals mixture, uncovered, on high for 2 minutes, stirring once.  Sprinkle half the sugar mixture on top, stir.  Sprinkle with the rest of the mixture.  Stir again and microwave for 1 more minute.  Spread on wax paper.  Once completely cooled, add 2 cups of miniature marshmallows and 1 cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips.  Store in an airtight container.

Cider Kraut

Core and coarsely chop 1 large Granny Smith apple.  Drain 1 large and 1 small can of sauerkraut.  Rise, set aside.  In a separate bowl, combine 1 1/2 cups of apple cider*, a few dashes of black pepper, 1/2  cup minced onion, 1 teaspoon garlic, and 2 teaspoons celery seed.  Mix very well.  Combine with sauerkraut.  If you desire, place pork loin or Polish sausage* (or both!) in crockpot.  Top with apples and sauerkraut mixture.  Cooking time depends on the meat you're using.  A general rule is 7 hours on low.  Serve with hard rolls, a leafy salad and applesauce.  Happy New Year!

*Buy local if you can!  Trax Farms, near Pittsburgh, made for a tasty dish.  I also use Hillshire Farms turkey sausage.  Go Meat!