OK. I should probably let this die, but it's too much fun.
First, make sure you have the proper pre-requisite to continue reading this. Good? All right then. Some more "helpful" ideas from 1980...
"To reduce foam when pouring carbonated drinks over ice cubes, rinse off ice cubes with water before filling glasses." Or, pour more slowly. Where's the fire, pal? Relax!
"When out of cream, try the beaten white of an egg in your coffee." Or, knock on your neighbor's door, tell them of your plight, and they will go out and buy you more cream if it will keep you from doing this. And, if they're not so neighborly, drink it black. It won't kill you. I promise.
"Leftover whipped cream: Drop dollops of whipped cream on a cookie sheet, then flash-freeze before storing in plastic bags." Leftover whipped cream? Whoever heard of such a thing?
"Fill a large bowl with cheap wine and set it under the sink. The roaches will drink it, get drunk, fall in it, and drown. This is not a joke. Its been known to have great results." First, I didn't accidentally leave the apostraphe out in the word "its". I quoted directly. Second, this might work fine, but the mental image just freaks me out. I imagine all the roaches leering at each other and talking like Peter Lorre over their boxed wine. Yuck.
"Two similar stockings of different shades can easily be made into a matching pair. Drop them into boiling water and add a couple of tea bags. Remove them when the water has cooled and they will match perfectly. The more bags you use, the darker the shade will be." And the more interesting tea time will be! Just make sure to clean up before the neighbors drop in, or you'll have to explain why your pantyhose are on the stove.
But let it not be said that I was all criticism. There are actually a number of applicable and very good tips in this worn-out little pamphlet. Here are some that I have actually used, with positive results:
"Add one-half envelope instant cocoa mix to one cup of strong black coffee." Ross, not generally a coffee person, calls this the "poor man's mocha" and he enjoys it, especially if I add a splash of flavored creamer or whipped cream!
"Prepare frozen juice concentrate as directed. Fill glass half full and mix with club soda for a nutritious soda pop." I also like to mix cranberry juice with diet ginger ale. Delish.
"[Brown sugar] won't harden if stored in the freezer." It's true!
I am just wondering how long it will take all of our Good Housekeeping magazines and Food Network shows to start sounding ridiculous.
Time will tell.
And maybe my kids will be making fun of them then.
Showing posts with label retro. Show all posts
Showing posts with label retro. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Let's All Make Celery Curls the Quick and Easy Way!
I know we often have an idealized view about the fabulous 1950's. In spite of the rainbow of kitschy colors, the blooming technological advances and the apex of the nuclear family, with its perfect little house, white picket fence and 2.5 children, I know that there were a lot of underlying struggles in America that were hidden by housewives straining to keep their kitchens and their laundry sparkling clean. Still, sometimes I dream of having a life back then, when things were still somehow simpler, more authentic, more...wholesome?
Well...except for the food.
With that in mind (and clutching lovingly to my fresh cilantro, avocados, whole wheat pasta and skim milk - none of which seemed to find any type of home in the 1950's), I wanted to share some more "recent" kitchen tips with you, which you may find as appealing as mandarin orange slices suspended in glittering aspic. Garnished with parsley, of course.
As a bit of a joke, my step-mum gave me Mary Ellen's Best of Helpful Kitchen Hints (copyright 1980) that she had either found lying around the house or discovered at a yard sale. Being all for anything vintage, retro, or kitschy, I dove right in. Apparently, I forgot that in 1980, many women, and certainly housewives, were still chained to the stove all day, worrying about such crucial issues as reviving wilted lettuce, the yellow-ness of their potato salad and walnuts sinking to the bottom of muffins while they bake.
Heavens. To. Betsy.
Now, I'm saying this as a fairly conservative (i.e., "old-fashioned") woman who genuinely loves cooking and being in the kitchen. So you know this stuff is rough. But you make your own decision. Let me share some of these valuable insights with you. May I?
"To make celery curls: Cut celery into three- to four-inch pieces. Cut each piece into narrow strips, leaving about an inch at the end uncut to hold the piece together, then put them in ice water until they curl, about half an hour." Celery curls? What, are they garnish for a salad? Pfft, that's what bacon is for.
"Boil cracked eggs in aluminum foil twisted at both ends." Or, you could bite the bullet and just scramble the darn thing. It's already halfway there.
"Have your canned ham sliced by the butcher, then tie it back together, garnish with pineapple, and bake. No messy job of slicing it hot." Maybe not, but your butcher will think you're a loon for bringing him a can of ham to chop up. Then he'll make fun of you when you leave.
"To make bacon curls, fry only until cooked but not crisp. Then take bacon from the skillet and twist around the tines of a fork. Pierce with a wooden toothpick and broil under a low flame to complete crisping." Oops, I spoke too soon about the bacon. Not only does it get special treatment, too, but it can hang out with the celery curls on top of my salad. And it only takes three times as long to prepare! Brilliant!
"Grind beans until coffee is very fine, or use a food processor. You'll need about one-third less coffee than you ordinarily would." And you think no one will notice the brackish bitterness of your ill-used espresso grind, hmm? You probably used too much water in your Mr. Coffee, too. Heathen. Or better yet...
"Reuse old coffee grounds by placing them in the oven on a flat pan for half an hour at 350 degrees. Then combine with half the usual amount of fresh-ground coffee." Because your guests aren't worth the fifteen cents that pot of fresh coffee actually costs you.
"Pizza cuts more easily with scissors." It's arts and crafts time! While we're at it, I can also fold your napkin into a swan and glue sequins to your fork.
"For wrinkled buns, moisten them slightly and heat in a 350 degree oven for a few minutes. No more wrinkles." Does this work on people, too? What about shar-peis?
"Make fresh onion salt instantly: Cut a slice from the top of the onion, sprinkle salt on its juice, and scrape with a knife." Or, you could, you know...buy onion salt for 89 cents at Giant Eagle.
"Reuse cards you receive for any occasion by putting a little household bleach on a cloth and rubbing gently over any handwriting." Because re-gifting isn't cheap enough. Introducing: re-carding!
There's pages and pages more about what to do if it's windy during your outdoor meal (sew pockets into the corners of your tablecoth and weight it down with keys...which is far more sensible than my mother using her staple-gun, anyway), how to ensure your loaf of bread is crusty, but not too crusty, unless it's supposed to be crusty, then it will be very crusty, and so on and so forth. Sometimes, I read over the book for a laugh while I'm eating my vitamin-fortified whole grain cereal with vanilla flavored organic soy milk and drinking my sustainably-sourced Kenyan coffee and as my husband is blending non-fat Greek yogurt with whole California strawberries, pulp-free Florida orange juice and clover honey to make his smoothie.
Man, people used to be so fussy about their food, huh?
Well...except for the food.
With that in mind (and clutching lovingly to my fresh cilantro, avocados, whole wheat pasta and skim milk - none of which seemed to find any type of home in the 1950's), I wanted to share some more "recent" kitchen tips with you, which you may find as appealing as mandarin orange slices suspended in glittering aspic. Garnished with parsley, of course.
As a bit of a joke, my step-mum gave me Mary Ellen's Best of Helpful Kitchen Hints (copyright 1980) that she had either found lying around the house or discovered at a yard sale. Being all for anything vintage, retro, or kitschy, I dove right in. Apparently, I forgot that in 1980, many women, and certainly housewives, were still chained to the stove all day, worrying about such crucial issues as reviving wilted lettuce, the yellow-ness of their potato salad and walnuts sinking to the bottom of muffins while they bake.
Heavens. To. Betsy.
Now, I'm saying this as a fairly conservative (i.e., "old-fashioned") woman who genuinely loves cooking and being in the kitchen. So you know this stuff is rough. But you make your own decision. Let me share some of these valuable insights with you. May I?
"To make celery curls: Cut celery into three- to four-inch pieces. Cut each piece into narrow strips, leaving about an inch at the end uncut to hold the piece together, then put them in ice water until they curl, about half an hour." Celery curls? What, are they garnish for a salad? Pfft, that's what bacon is for.
"Boil cracked eggs in aluminum foil twisted at both ends." Or, you could bite the bullet and just scramble the darn thing. It's already halfway there.
"Have your canned ham sliced by the butcher, then tie it back together, garnish with pineapple, and bake. No messy job of slicing it hot." Maybe not, but your butcher will think you're a loon for bringing him a can of ham to chop up. Then he'll make fun of you when you leave.
"To make bacon curls, fry only until cooked but not crisp. Then take bacon from the skillet and twist around the tines of a fork. Pierce with a wooden toothpick and broil under a low flame to complete crisping." Oops, I spoke too soon about the bacon. Not only does it get special treatment, too, but it can hang out with the celery curls on top of my salad. And it only takes three times as long to prepare! Brilliant!
"Grind beans until coffee is very fine, or use a food processor. You'll need about one-third less coffee than you ordinarily would." And you think no one will notice the brackish bitterness of your ill-used espresso grind, hmm? You probably used too much water in your Mr. Coffee, too. Heathen. Or better yet...
"Reuse old coffee grounds by placing them in the oven on a flat pan for half an hour at 350 degrees. Then combine with half the usual amount of fresh-ground coffee." Because your guests aren't worth the fifteen cents that pot of fresh coffee actually costs you.
"Pizza cuts more easily with scissors." It's arts and crafts time! While we're at it, I can also fold your napkin into a swan and glue sequins to your fork.
"For wrinkled buns, moisten them slightly and heat in a 350 degree oven for a few minutes. No more wrinkles." Does this work on people, too? What about shar-peis?
"Make fresh onion salt instantly: Cut a slice from the top of the onion, sprinkle salt on its juice, and scrape with a knife." Or, you could, you know...buy onion salt for 89 cents at Giant Eagle.
"Reuse cards you receive for any occasion by putting a little household bleach on a cloth and rubbing gently over any handwriting." Because re-gifting isn't cheap enough. Introducing: re-carding!
There's pages and pages more about what to do if it's windy during your outdoor meal (sew pockets into the corners of your tablecoth and weight it down with keys...which is far more sensible than my mother using her staple-gun, anyway), how to ensure your loaf of bread is crusty, but not too crusty, unless it's supposed to be crusty, then it will be very crusty, and so on and so forth. Sometimes, I read over the book for a laugh while I'm eating my vitamin-fortified whole grain cereal with vanilla flavored organic soy milk and drinking my sustainably-sourced Kenyan coffee and as my husband is blending non-fat Greek yogurt with whole California strawberries, pulp-free Florida orange juice and clover honey to make his smoothie.
Man, people used to be so fussy about their food, huh?
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Everything Old is New Again
...including retro "fashion".
And I am totally a victim.
I was all about it about 6 or 7 years ago, when the 40s and 50's looks were coming back. You know: towering heels, flattering skirts and dresses. All the prom gowns and casual dresses looked like something out of a Hollywood movie. Glam, a little flashy, but mostly classy. Looked good on us curvy girls. Yes and amen to that! Then, a couple tears later, the paisley prints and loose sheath dresses of the 60's and 70's returned. I could handle that, too. Paired a shift dress with calf-high boots and a sweater, heck, that wasn't so bad. Still work-appropriate, and I preferred dresses to pants, anyway. Plus, the colors were great: bright teals and Deep Purples. (Heh, heh.)
Then, about 2 tears ago, the 80s threw up all over the fashion industry, laying waste to the wasp-waisted, dainty-print daydresses of my fantasies. Day-glo colors popped, band logos sneered, and suddenly, I was not alone in wanting to sport this t-shirt. Now, I've been an advocate for 80s music and movies for a long, long time (mostly fighting passively-aggressively against my husband, who harbors a mild dislike for all things 80s...except Star Wars and Indiana Jones, of course), but the clothes? Ouch, ouch, ouch. I avoided them the first time around. Leggings, huh? Ripped sweatshirts? Flat shoes? No, no, no! I wore boys' jeans in the 80s because there were no designers who understood that young girls might want to wear pants that weren't skin-tight. I wore clogs. Oh, God, I wore clogs! I am just realizing that now! They were CLOGS.
And, yet...
Maybe it's because of my experience in the costume shop at Clarion, working with women (and Bob) who knew exactly how to dress people in the most flattering way. Maybe it's because I spent so many years trying to look like everyone else that I finally got sick of it. Maybe it's because I have an addiction to clothes and shoes. Maybe it's because I am in a place where I realize - and accept! - that I will never be a size 4 who can't fill out an A cup, slinking around with a wispy waist and mile-long legs. Maybe I am slowly realizing that what I look like - and what I wear - is not the greatest part of who I am, but merely an expression of it. Maybe it's because the old adage, "don't knock it 'til you try it" keeps ringing in my head. Maybe it's because I have a number of beautiful friends who don't meet the "ideal" for perfection, and who dress how they want because it makes them feel pretty. Maybe it's because I have a husband who genuinely likes the way I dress, whether I am rocking rumpled hair, a flowing bohemian skirt and flip-flops or a belted sheath dress with four-inch heels and super-shiny lip gloss.
Maybe there really isn't a reason. But I laid down my arms. I said I'd wear them only to work out.
I bought a pair of leggings. Then I bought two more pairs. Then I bought some gorgeous flowing tunics that can only be worn with leggings. And I don't wear those to the gym. I like the leggings. They are comfortable. If worn with the right top, they make me look thinner. Without shapewear. Really. Hallelujah and long live the legging!
Well, 80s, it looks like you won this round. Just don't bring this hair back, ok? Oh, and skinny jeans and white lipstick: you also have no chance with me.
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