On Second Thought...

Although I cannot recall the attribution, I recently read somewhere that the first thought that pops into your head about a person or situation is the one you were "trained" to have.  The second thought is the one that defines you as a person.

The idea fascinates me.  As a practicing Christian, I want to be more like Jesus - more loving, more patient, more honest, more encouraging.  Yet I'm appalled, sometimes, by the thoughts that seem to jump into my head.  Seeing a young woman use food stamps while she's pulling out her brand-new iPhone and clicking at it with freshly manicured nails while her three half-dressed children are screaming in the grocery cart.  Obviously she's abusing the system, right?  How could she afford a nice smartphone if she had to apply for government aid?  And for goodness' sake, WHY isn't she taking care of those kids?!

Maybe the phone was a gift.  Maybe her best friend works at a salon and did her nails for free.  And the kids - who knows?  Maybe it was such a nightmare getting them out of the house that one lost a shoe and mom didn't have time to grab it.  Now that I'm a parent, I'm beginning to understand that kids are unpredictable.  They have tantrums at the most inconvenient times.  And sometimes, trying to find an effective method of discipline takes time and lots of trial and error.  I didn't "get" that before Ronen was born.

During my time at Starbucks, I learned a lot about relating to people.  I wasn't the perfect employee, but there were at least a few instances where I seemed to get along with "problem customers" better than some of my peers.  It might have been because, each time a guest treated me rudely or dismissively, I forced myself to think: "Maybe he had a really ugly fight with his wife this morning and he's still shaken about it" or "Maybe she has a meeting at work today that she's not ready for" or "Maybe his kid is failing out of college".  I learned - very slowly - not to take criticism or bad attitudes personally.  I learned to separate what was being said from how it was being said.  

This was incredibly useful, too, later, when I worked for another company in a totally different field.  There was a woman there who was very good at her job, but very abrasive.  She never got that "praise sandwich" memo - you know, where you offer negative feedback to an employee by first encouraging them or reinforcing their positive qualities, then give them the "bad news", and finish with something uplifting?

Image from www.alexanderchrisostomou.co.uk

Yeah, it was like that idea had never crossed her mind.  Most people in the office disliked her, and many outright hated her.  One even asked me, flat-out, "How do you get along with her?"  I replied to this person that, when the woman criticised me, I tried to evaluate what she was saying, rather than how it was coming out of her mouth.  If what she was saying was valid - for example, I'd made a mistake while calculating something - then I accepted it for what it was worth, worked on the problem and moved on.  If it was something without merit - just a lady in a bad mood lashing out - then I dropped it and also moved on.

It wasn't easy and it wasn't something that happened overnight.  I'm also sad to say that it is a skill that never fully translated into my personal life from my professional one.  That's the reason I find myself having the "first thoughts" I mentioned above.  Thoughts of defensiveness.  Of judgment.  Of derision.  Most of them, ultimately, are related to pride or vanity.  "I'm better than than person - in some way."  "I would NEVER make that kind of decision."  "What a stupid thing to say; I'd never comment like that."

This even came up in customer service training at my current job in a pediatric office.  The lecturer spoke about "self-talk", which is in essence, the same thing.  He taught that we might not be able to control how we WANT to react when something happens, but we can "talk ourselves down" to a reasonable place.  It's the same thing as allowing your initial reaction to exist, acknowledging it, and moving on to a more humane or compassionate conclusion.

So I'm trying to be far more conscious of that first thought, and decide what I want to do with it.  Am I going to keep it and make it a part of me?  Or am I going to release it and replace it with a thought that expressed more compassion, more patience, more forgiveness?

The Bible has a lot to say about our thought life, too.  It tells us that God knows our thoughts (1 Corinthians 2:11), as did Jesus when we walked the earth as a man (Luke 9, Luke 11). The best advice the Bible gives about our thought life in regards to others, I think, is in Romans.  Chapter 14, verse 13 admonishes believers to "stop passing judgment on one another.  Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister." This is useful advice that reminds us that we choose to pass judgment and it can cause others to second-guess themselves, as well as make us antagonists.  Are we not supposed to encourage and build up instead of tear down?  Are we not supposed to be a united front for Christ?

Instead of "that driver is a major jagoff" I can choose to give the benefit of the doubt.  Consciously thinking,  "I hope he's not in an accident" or "I hope there's no emergency" allow me to see other people as I'm learning to see myself: flawed, but with potential.

We're all human after all, no?

Approaching Jericho

My aunt and uncle sometimes mention that their house is on the small side, but I remember that, during my childhood, I was more excited to go to their place than even my grandparents'!  Maybe it was the infrequency of our visits that made it special; maybe it was the pool table, or my aunt's exotic perfume collection (how could a ten-year-old resist opening every single beautiful bottle for a sniff?!), or visiting little Joey (their late, great, sweet-natured pup).  I think a lot of it had to do with their beautiful screened-in porch!

When Ross and I were visiting recently for a summer picnic, I noticed a simple sign above their back door.  On it was Romans 6:23, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Initially, I thought, "Ooh, that's pretty intense.  Don't most people just have a nice, happy, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" print on the wall instead?  My Uncle Brent explained that he and Marianne were married on June 23 (6/23) and wanted to honor that day and God alike by making the verse part of their home.  I loved the idea - and, frankly, although it's not the most cheerful verse in the Bible (it's got that nasty word "death" in it), it's a very, very true one - one that is central to the theme of Christianity itself.  

Naturally, I got home that night and began pawing through my Bible for a verse for Ross and myself (our wedding was on January 9, 2010).  I am in no way into numerology, but I know that the Word is full of symbolism - including that of numbers.  I found 2 Samuel 1:9, "Then he said to me, 'Stand here and kill me!  I'm in the throes of death, but I'm still alive.'"  Yikes.  (That story was about the violent demise of King Saul, by the way, who was severely injured by a woman.)  I also found Ecclesiastes 1:9, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."  (True, yes, but vaguely depressing.  Thanks, Solomon.)  There was also Leviticus 1:9, "You are to wash the internal organs and the legs with water, and the priest is to burn all of it on the altar.  It is a burnt offering, a food offering, an aroma pleasing to the Lord."  (A recipe for sacred barbecue.  I was getting nowhere here!)  I moved into the New Testament, which, as a reflection of Christ's first coming, was naturally more filled with encouraging and forgiving verses.  I read John 1:9, "The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world."  (Yay, Jesus!  But still not exactly the verse I wanted.)  After that is Hebrews 1:9, "You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy."  (Wow!  Beautiful and powerful...but still not quite right.)  Back to the Old Testament for some really poetic stuff, I thought.  Song of Solomon 1:9 reads, "I liken you, my darling, to a mare among Pharaoh's chariot horses."  

Nope.

I was thinking that maybe I should just, you know, use the whole Bible as my marriage verse when I found it - the granddaddy of them all.  

Image courtesy of voiceofthepersecuted.wordpess.com.

Nailed it!

This verse, so tiny, is so powerful because it contains three significant parts.  It starts with a reminder, includes a command, and ends with a promise.  Before we dissect it, let's return this verse to its historical and scriptural context: the book of Joshua.  The situation is tense: Moses, the humble man of God who led the Israelites out of Egypt, has died before they entered the Promised Land.  The people are restless and - we know from reading the books of Moses - very, very fickle and prone to violence.  There are a few more challenges ahead before the Hebrews are able to enter their new home.  God has chosen Joshua as their new leader.  Can you imagine the burden that was placed on this man's shoulders?  To step into the shoes (er, sandals) of the greatest leader within living memory?  To rally and restrain a vast sea of people whose track record for obedience is practically non-existent?  To hear and obey God when thousands of voices - of both men and of spirits - might be telling you to do otherwise?  Joshua's new role - given to him because he had previously been faithful to the Lord where others had not - was a very difficult one.  God himself assigned him the role, but with it came a list of instructions.  

In his first chat with Joshua, the Lord tells him to "be courageous".  That word means "valiant, tenacious, plucky, brave, resolute, heroic, and undaunted".  It doesn't necessarily mean "unafraid".  The implied meaning is that you're going to follow through with a task, no matter how scary or challenging it might be.  We can be courageous in sharing the Gospel when we think we'll be rejected.  We can be courageous when trying something new, either spiritual or secular.  (For example, I know several people, both women and men, who have made courageous efforts in losing weight and getting healthy.  They've been brave to face their situations, and undaunted in their efforts to change - even when they have made mistakes, they have wiped the slate clean and started again right away.)  We can be courageous even in something as simple as sticking to our daily reading plans.  Courage is something that is so important to God that he reminded Joshua of it three times.  (The verse above included his third reminder.)  The Lord "ENcouraged" his chosen leader.  The prefix "en" means "to enclose or encircle, to include".  God's words alone infused Joshua with the very bravery he would need to complete the goals ahead of him!

The second portion of the verse addresses the specific challenges that were facing Joshua.  as I mentioned earlier, Joshua's posse was full of doubters, nay-sayers, the discontent, and whiners.  It would be very easy to be afraid of their reactions - especially if they didn't like the fact that Joshua was now their leader.  God specifically tells Joshua to keep his spirits up and not let anxiety overtake him.

The third part of the verse is the sweetest promise God has ever given mankind.  "The Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  That promise alone makes the previous commands easier to follow.  If you know you're never alone, you can be brave, valiant, and courageous.  If you realize that God is on your side, you can take on giants.  You can lead a murmuring, complaining people to victory.

And you can overcome the sorrow of miscarriage.

Had I rediscovered this verse earlier in my marriage, I don't think it would resonate with me the way it does now.  Freshly wed, my husband and I were starry-eyed and eager for our future.  Most newlyweds are.  We made the promise before God and man to take care of each other no matter what storms blew our way.  Now that we've waded through floods, languished in the desert, and have been nearly drowned in disappointment and sorrow, Joshua 1:9 applies to us like it never could have before.

It's a loving but firm reminder from the Lord.  "I've told you before to be strong," he is saying,  "Don't let fear rule you; let me.  I promised I'd have your back forever.  Let me prove it."

This verse is already the background on my phone.  I'm excited to put it up on my walls - for it to be the first and sweetest encouragement of my morning, and the final promise before I close my eyes.

Character Study: Ruth

I got the opportunity to share this short teaching at my church's Women's Encounter God weekend.  The theme was "The Bride of Christ" and there were many great lessons on brides, wives, and marriage during our time of fellowship.  I worked with two friends, who bookended the lesson about Ruth with one about Naomi (and how God turns bitterness into joy) and one about Boaz (also, about Jesus as the kinsman-redeemer).  I hope to eventually share more studies about women in the Bible, but this is all I have at the moment.  I  hope you enjoy it!

Ruth: Faithful and Obedient

The people of Moab were born of the incestuous relationship between Lot and his oldest daughter (Genesis 19:37).  Like most other Middle Eastern tribes, they worshiped many gods, the leader of whom was named Chemosh, to whom the Moabites sometimes sacrificed children.  This is one of the gods to whom King Solomon, influenced by his pagan wives and concubines, would later build a temple. 

 

The Bible tells us that the Egyptians and the Moabites had fairly friendly relationship, as they shared a common ancestor through Jacob’s son Joseph.  However, probably because of that relationship, the Moabites committed the sin of abusing the Israelites as Moses led them out of their captivity in Egypt.  Because they did not greet their distant cousins with food, drink, and encouragement, instead attempting to curse and harass them (Numbers 22:6-8), they were punished by being excluded from the assembly of worship for ten generations (Deuteronomy 23:3).  Some of their women seduced the Israelites, and enticed them to worship their gods.  This brought a terrible plague upon the Israelites.  The Lord specifically stated to his people at the time that they were in no way to encourage the well-being of the Moabites, although they were prohibited from making war upon them (Deuteronomy 23:6).

It was out of this culture that a woman named Ruth was born.  We know very little of Ruth’s origins, other than she was likely raised a pagan like the rest of her tribe.  Somehow, she and her fellow Moabitess Orpah caught the eyes of two Israelite brothers, Mahlon and Kilion, whose father had died and whose mother was named Naomi (Ruth 1:3-4).  This family had traveled to Moab to avoid a severe famine in their homeland of Judah, and they brought to Moab the knowledge of the One True God of Israel, Jehovah.  Although they were far from their people, far from the tabernacle and the altars, there must have remained in them some devotion to the Lord, for how else could Ruth have fostered a desire to know more about the Hebrews’ unseen God?

We can imagine Ruth, maybe in secret, quizzing her husband about his unusual religion.  His God required sacrifice, but prohibited images of himself (Exodus 20:4).  His God appeared as a pillar of cloud by day and fire by night (Exodus 13:21).  His God was too holy to allow His face to be seen by his own chosen people (Exodus 33:20).  His God parted the waters of the Red Sea so that his children and all their flocks could escape the chariots of Egypt (Exodus 14:22).  In short, his God was fascinating, and the complete opposite of her gods!  Her gods were wood and stone, and silent.  She gave much to these gods, and received nothing in return.  Perhaps Ruth had asked her husband to someday take her see his hometown of Bethlehem.  We don’t know.

What we do know is that both Mahlon and Kilion died in the land of Moab (Ruth 1:5), and that Naomi, deeply saddened by the loss of her sons, purposed in her heart to return to Bethlehem alone and bitter (Ruth 1:8).  Here we see the first glimpses into Ruth’s shining character, and one of the characteristics that would help her lead an exemplary life: she was FAITHFUL.  She could easily have remained in the land of her birth, where she had better chances of remarrying or, at the very least, returning to her home and the protection of her kin.  After her husband’s death, there were absolutely no legal ties binding her to Naomi.  Yet she made the vow: “Where you go I’ll go.  Where you stay, I’ll stay.  Your people will be my people.  Your God will be my God.”  (Ruth 1:16)

In Bethlehem, Ruth is able to demonstrate that faithfulness through her dedication and work ethic.  She immediately takes on this difficult role of a gleaner – a position reserved only for the lowest of the low in Hebrew society (Ruth 2:2).  Although it was a mandate given by God to prevent abject poverty (Deuteronomy 24:21), gleaning could result in humiliation or harassment, especially for foreigners.

Yet Ruth put aside any fears she may have had in order to fulfill her promise to help support Naomi.  She worked in the field of Boaz for many hours with little rest (Ruth 2:7).  This dedication quickly aroused the interest of Boaz, Naomi’s kinsman, who was impressed enough to make provision for Ruth’s protection even before he knew who she was (Ruth 2:8).

The other quality that Ruth possessed in abundance was OBEDIENCE.  Be careful not to mistake “obedience” for “slavishness”.  Ruth was not blindly subservient to all who held positions above her in life.  Obviously, this was not the case, or she would never have developed her own ideas about following after the God of Israel while inside the borders of a pagan nation!  Ruth made wise choices regarding who she trusted.  She knew that Naomi, for example, would not give her foolish advice, and that Boaz, through his actions, was gentle and generous.  Ruth understood to respond only to the people who wanted her to succeed and flourish.  She put her trust in these people and sought after their fellowship and wisdom.  We, too, need to put our trust in the One who knows our faults and failures, yet who loves us enough to encourage and lift us up.  Ruth had every opportunity to crumble before the anxieties and uncertainties of her future.  She was entering a foreign land – of which she was an enemy – with no real means to take care of herself, with nothing more than a bitter mother-in-law in tow!  But she was determined to be faithful and obedient, and God allowed her good deeds and kind heart to draw others to her like a beacon.

Even before she meets Boaz, he has the opportunity to hear of her kindness to Naomi, his kinswoman, and he is openly impressed with her actions (Ruth 2:11).  And what did Ruth see when Boaz summoned her from the fields?  Although we might imagine a dashing young prince carrying the heavy sacks of grain for the delicate Ruth, chances are good that Boaz was an older man – shall we call him “distinguished”?  A younger man would not be as likely to possess the land and wealth that Boaz is said to have had.  At any rate, he was well-respected in Bethlehem for more than his treasures.  Boaz would have been a fine catch for any charming young Hebrew girl, but he was unmarried.   

When he first saw Ruth, I wonder…what did he think of her?  Was she a stunning, exotic girl with eyes like jewels and a bewitching smile?  Or did his heart leap with pride and wonder when he realized that in front of him stood a young woman brave enough to leave all she knew in order to protect the mother of her dead husband?  Regardless of Ruth’s outward appearance, Boaz immediately viewed the tenderness and strength of her heart and saw it as beautiful. 

 

Did he love her right away?  Did his admiration and respect for her grow as she worked in his fields tirelessly for an entire summer to supply food for herself and her mother-in-law (Ruth 2:23)?  When did Naomi first notice the blossoming relationship between Ruth and Boaz?  Did she suddenly witness it in a glance, or a smile, or had she been expecting such a miracle all along?  Did she joyfully praise God when she realized that, with Ruth cared for, her bitterness had come to an end?  She must have!

Imagine the emotions Ruth must have felt when Naomi explained to her how to present herself to Boaz for marriage (Ruth 3:3).  Her heart must have been pounding wildly as she bathed and perfumed herself, trying to enjoy the rare ritual.  Over and over in her mind, as she dressed in her finest linen, she must have walked through the steps Naomi gave her.  Over and over in her mind, she imagined the perfect scenario – and a thousand worst-case scenarios, too.  What if Boaz did not understand her intentions?  What if he did, and rejected them?  What if he refused to marry a widow?  What if he refused to marry a Moabite widow?  Although her faith had carried her from Moab to Bethlehem and into the fields of Boaz, would it carry her into his arms as well?

She need not have worried.  The unseen God of the Hebrews was as faithful to her as she had been to Naomi.  Boaz agreed without hesitation to marry her and provide for both her and Naomi (Ruth 3:11); delighted himself that Ruth chose not to seek out a younger man to marry.  The final hurdle – another, closer relative who had the rights to marry Ruth and inherit Elimelech’s property – was hardly an issue at all, and Ruth and Boaz were married.  Soon, Ruth bore a son and called him Obed, meaning “servant or worshiper”.  What a perfect name for the child of two servants who found love and redemption through God’s gifts of obedience and faithfulness.

Ruth and Boaz would continue to receive blessings – and give them – long after their deaths.  Obed grew up to be the father of Jesse, who would grow up to be the father of David…from whose lineage came our kinsman-redeemer, Jesus Christ.

Ruth’s obedience and faithfulness actually played a role in your salvation.  What can your obedience and faithfulness do for others?

Put Down Your Sign

Today would have been my five-year anniversary with Starbucks, and I was going to blog about that.  Instead, I'm going to blog about abortion.

Why?

Because the protesters are out with their signs again: gruesome images of aborted fetuses, threats that God will destroy you and that abortion doctors are evil.  They're at major intersections and in front of Planned Parenthood, silent sentinels with bloody banners high.  They're causing major commotion, angrily flung middle fingers and religious slurs.

And it breaks my heart.

I read Twitter updates and facebook notes from both liberals and moderates slamming these people as intolerant and stupid.  The thing is, though, I think these protesters are right.  I agree with their beliefs.  I do believe abortion is wrong.

But this is not the way to communicate it. 

I wonder how many women have approached an abortion clinic, truly undecided as to what to do - and then made the choice to have an abortion purely because the signs stirred up rebellion in their frantic hearts.  "You tell me not to?  You're self-righteous.  I'll do what I want."  And I am sure that many, many women left childless, bearing instead the unexpected fear, guilt, shame and physical pain associated with abortions.

I do not write this message to convince you that abortion is wrong.  I write it to appeal to those who already believe that it's wrong, and who want to know how best to convey that belief. 

In lieu of favors for our wedding, Ross and I donated a sum of money to the Women's Choice Network - a pro-life, Christian organization offering help to women of all walks of life who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant.  They provide ultrasounds, counseling, financial and medical aid, and educational services.  The most important part is that they get to know each woman on an individual basis.  They do not condemn these women with signs calling down sulfur and brimstone from the skies.  No one at the center is prepared to pin a scarlet "A" on all the women who enter.  Instead, they find out who she is, what her fears are, how she feels about being pregnant, why she wants an abortion, or if she is being forced into one.  They do tell the medical truth about abortion; their website even details what happens during an abortion and what the clinically proven results may potentially be.  They offer loving counsel to women who have chosen abortions.  They share the exact same message as the bloody-baby protesters, but there are major differences in both the message and, more importantly, the results.

Because they feel respected and cared for, many, many of these women who visit centers like this one do decide to carry their babies to term.  Some parent, and some put the infants up for adoption.  But the choice for LIFE was made.  I would be guessing, but I'd say that those who made the choice for life because of angry sign-wavers are few and far between.

The New Testament book of Ephesians reminds us that "speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ" (verse 4:15).  If we are telling the truth but veiling it with hatred and judgment, who will listen to us?  It is hard to see or even imagine the presence of a pure, loving truth when it is covered by layers of accusation and self-righteousness.  Now, are the protesters I mentioned -or those who protest military funerals or the support of Israel or any number of things - hateful and self-righteous?  I do not know; only God sees the hearts of men.  But do they appear that way?  Yes, often.  And to many people, appearance is fact.  If the motivation of the heart cannot be seen in the actions, then why even perform the actions?

(If anyone who happens to read this has found herself unexpectedly pregnant, please visit this website: http://www.pregnancycareinfo.org/home.)