Recently, Weight Watchers has been airing a pretty clever little radio spot I've been hearing a lot. It talks about how we (as middle class Americans, I'm guessing) are losing our ability to tell when we're hungry, versus when we're bored, upset, or tired. That, and my stepmum's recent 50-pound weight loss (you go, girl!), got me thinking. What kind of eater have I become?
When I was trying to lose weight in 2013, I became a calorie counter. I was concerned about sodium and a few other nutrients, but mostly, it was the calories that got me. I was willing to eat a rich, delicious donut for a meal once in a while, as long as my total calorie consumption was within reason. When I added regular exercise, I lost 18 pounds in about 5 months. That's nothing spectacular, but slow-and-steady worked for me, and at my slimmest, I was still medically considered overweight. Still, I felt confident, attractive, and healthy.
Then, one complicated pregnancy and recovery later, I'm back at my original weight. The confidence I had gained when I was thinner, which manifested itself in a more fun fashion sense and experimentation, still remains, for the most part. I had to pack away a lot of my "skinny" clothes, but I'm certainly not giving anything away just yet!
Today, I restarted my calorie-counting routine. Some people go organic. Some prepare only whole foods. Some cut sugar. Or artificial sweeteners. Some stop snacking between meals. I think that, because people have such different needs and such different habits, there are plenty of methods that work. I'm a person who dislikes but NEEDS routine. I had to exercise at the same time each day (my lunch break at work) and record my calories as soon as I ate them. So, it's back to it.
After some thought, I've realized that I'm not really a person who "eats my feelings". I'm generally more of what I call an "opportunity eater". If food is available, then I'm all up in that. (This makes gatherings with lots of food a huuuuuuuge danger for me.) And grocery day? Coming home with all those delicious packages of unopened food? Getting to try a new recipe with the (gasp!) cauliflower I snagged! I can't even talk about it. Honestly.
It's interesting to me that a plus-size woman has recently been signed to a major modeling company. I think this is a good thing. A very good thing. I do not think, as some do, that we are glorifying or glamorizing obesity in celebrating this. I think we are finally acknowledging that American women would like to have a haute couture model who is not a size zero to admire. We already have a good many women of all different races, builds, and ages to admire who are athletes, writers, actresses, singers, leaders. The world of modeling is among the last uncharted territories for unconventional body types. "Thin" is a medical fact - more or less. "Sexy" is a state of mind. "Healthy" is a medical diagnosis, charted by blood pressure and BMI. "Happy" is a choice.
Why do I mention that in the same post as a discussion about weight loss? Because I'm not trying to lose weight to please or impress anyone. I'm not doing it to make myself more attractive. I'm doing it because, right now, I'm not really healthy. My habits aren't healthy. My own self-image isn't always healthy - and obviously, a good self-image something this model has going for her that I do not. But I'm inspired by a lot of healthy and getting-healthy women in my life, and it's really inspirational to see them making changes in their attitudes, their habits, and their lifestyles.
So, the first step to recovery - of any type - is admitting you have a problem, right?
My name is Rebecca Godlove, and I'm an opportunity eater. But, the good news is...I'm excited to make a change!
Today is Day One.
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Monday, February 2, 2015
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Overcomer
There are times when I listen to a lot of Christian music. There are times, a lot lately, when I prefer oldies or classic rock - or a good dose of Pat Benatar or Billy Idol. Still, I'd heard a lot of buzz about Christian pop star Mandisa's recently-released single, Overcomer. I've developed a lot of respect for this woman since I had first learned about her.
Foremost, she is openly and joyfully in love with Jesus, and that is a beautiful thing. She is an optimist but is down-to-earth and readily admits her faults. Yes, I base much of my impression on social media, but let's be honest: if you were trying to look more put-together than you really are, why talk about how much you love your bed on Facebook? The girl is real. Her very public dismissal from American Idol by Simon Cowell, who snidely insulted her weight - as well as her immediate, gracious, and loving reply - were what launched her career, rather than canning it. While much of America looks to actress Jennifer Lawrence as their "everywoman" - unashamed to talk about food, prone to goofing around, and all-around decent, I relate more, I think, to Mandisa. I could actually imagine sitting down with her and joking about clothing a zaftig figure, loving Southern-fried food, and how there are a lot of days when Christians don't even feel saved.
So, when I heard her new song for the first time, I cried. The message, like many of hers, is both simple and essential. The theme of overcoming is mentioned a lot in the Bible. It can be found in 1 John 5:4, where is is clearly stated "For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith."
The concept of living victoriously because Jesus triumphed over the grave is not, as some think, a "bonus blessing" only to be received by an elite few. I am learning that is actually a fundamental building block of the faith! If you have accepted the already pretty hard-to-swallow idea that Jesus is God's son, that He died for your sins, that He rose from the dead, and that He absolutely and completely adores you, then the next step is to believe that He actually wants you to live a full and fulfilling life. That doesn't, of course, mean that your life will always be comfortable, or that you will never experience stress, sorrow, or pain. But it does mean that you have the power and the choice to look past your circumstances into the eyes of the One who created you, who actually wants you to experience peace and joy.
Don't get me wrong, here. I am not preaching or promising a life full of warm fuzzies! I'm speaking from a place of, well, not a lot of warm fuzzies myself. I'm missing my mom. I can hardly believe it's been seven months already since she passed away. I mourn the loss of my children. Ross is having a very hard time finding a job that suits him better than his current one. His hours do not allow for a lot of quality time with me or our families.
I can focus on the things that make me unhappy, or I can focus on the fact that, in spite of everything that is painful and uncertain right now, God does have a plan for my future, and everything will be okay.
I listen to Overcomer most days during my lunchtime power-walk. It reminds me that, according to God's word, I'm not an overcomer when I see, feel, or experience victory. I am one now. I am allowed and even encouraged to hold me head high, smile, and walk joyfully through any situation with the knowledge that my enemy cannot destroy me. I am an overcomer, even though I have lost three pregnancies. God is bigger than miscarriage. God is bigger than the doctors' response of "we don't know what's wrong." God is bigger than the fear that threatens to rise up and suffocate me when I think about trying to conceive again.
I have not yet seen victory in that area of my life, but I my spirits are lifted by the victory I am seeing in another area - weight loss. Like Mandisa, I have grown more conscientious of my health in the past several months. In the past year, I have (slowly!) lost nearly 20 pounds. I was a size 13 in Juniors' styles this January, and I'm now beginning to try on size 7.
This is uncharted territory for me! I have never in my adult life dreamed of it. I'm having more fun with fashion - even embracing skinny jeans! Beyond that, I know that I am helping my heart and lungs, and even possibly helping to prepare my body for a healthy
pregnancy. Soon, I hope! While I may not reach my goal weight by my November birthday, I have proven to myself that I can make a difference in my own life. God's presence throughout this process has been subtle. He hasn't shown up with a loud voice and fireworks, but he has calmly and steadily given me the strength to stop believing the lies I've told myself, or let others tell me. The lie that my asthma was my identity. The lie that it was no use to try to change, because everything was always going to be the same. The lie that I just had to accept my family's health history as my own, and just wait for diabetes to set in. The lie that I never, ever accomplish my goals. The lie that I'm not worth taking care of.
That's the key to really accepting the fact that you're already an overcomer. It's to stop listening to the lies that whisper "you're not good enough, God doesn't love you enough, and he isn't big enough to help you." Once you finally understand that his grace is enough, he does love you enough and more than enough, and he is big enough to handle your pain and doubt, you can start to live like an overcomer - even if you don't feel like one.
Foremost, she is openly and joyfully in love with Jesus, and that is a beautiful thing. She is an optimist but is down-to-earth and readily admits her faults. Yes, I base much of my impression on social media, but let's be honest: if you were trying to look more put-together than you really are, why talk about how much you love your bed on Facebook? The girl is real. Her very public dismissal from American Idol by Simon Cowell, who snidely insulted her weight - as well as her immediate, gracious, and loving reply - were what launched her career, rather than canning it. While much of America looks to actress Jennifer Lawrence as their "everywoman" - unashamed to talk about food, prone to goofing around, and all-around decent, I relate more, I think, to Mandisa. I could actually imagine sitting down with her and joking about clothing a zaftig figure, loving Southern-fried food, and how there are a lot of days when Christians don't even feel saved.
So, when I heard her new song for the first time, I cried. The message, like many of hers, is both simple and essential. The theme of overcoming is mentioned a lot in the Bible. It can be found in 1 John 5:4, where is is clearly stated "For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith."
The concept of living victoriously because Jesus triumphed over the grave is not, as some think, a "bonus blessing" only to be received by an elite few. I am learning that is actually a fundamental building block of the faith! If you have accepted the already pretty hard-to-swallow idea that Jesus is God's son, that He died for your sins, that He rose from the dead, and that He absolutely and completely adores you, then the next step is to believe that He actually wants you to live a full and fulfilling life. That doesn't, of course, mean that your life will always be comfortable, or that you will never experience stress, sorrow, or pain. But it does mean that you have the power and the choice to look past your circumstances into the eyes of the One who created you, who actually wants you to experience peace and joy.
Don't get me wrong, here. I am not preaching or promising a life full of warm fuzzies! I'm speaking from a place of, well, not a lot of warm fuzzies myself. I'm missing my mom. I can hardly believe it's been seven months already since she passed away. I mourn the loss of my children. Ross is having a very hard time finding a job that suits him better than his current one. His hours do not allow for a lot of quality time with me or our families.
I can focus on the things that make me unhappy, or I can focus on the fact that, in spite of everything that is painful and uncertain right now, God does have a plan for my future, and everything will be okay.
I listen to Overcomer most days during my lunchtime power-walk. It reminds me that, according to God's word, I'm not an overcomer when I see, feel, or experience victory. I am one now. I am allowed and even encouraged to hold me head high, smile, and walk joyfully through any situation with the knowledge that my enemy cannot destroy me. I am an overcomer, even though I have lost three pregnancies. God is bigger than miscarriage. God is bigger than the doctors' response of "we don't know what's wrong." God is bigger than the fear that threatens to rise up and suffocate me when I think about trying to conceive again.
 |
| June 2012, at my sister's wedding. |
I have not yet seen victory in that area of my life, but I my spirits are lifted by the victory I am seeing in another area - weight loss. Like Mandisa, I have grown more conscientious of my health in the past several months. In the past year, I have (slowly!) lost nearly 20 pounds. I was a size 13 in Juniors' styles this January, and I'm now beginning to try on size 7.
 |
| August, 2013. |
That's the key to really accepting the fact that you're already an overcomer. It's to stop listening to the lies that whisper "you're not good enough, God doesn't love you enough, and he isn't big enough to help you." Once you finally understand that his grace is enough, he does love you enough and more than enough, and he is big enough to handle your pain and doubt, you can start to live like an overcomer - even if you don't feel like one.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
The Numbers Game
I hand-wrote (!) this message yesterday during some down time at work (days before holiday weekends are generally very slow). After talking with my relatively new artsy-nerdy friend Emily over coffee this morning, I felt it very important to post this today. I am certain that there are a lot of women, and probably a lot of men, who are dealing with the same feelings as me, and this is something that needs to be addressed right away.
As I inch (literally) closer to my weight and health goals, I realize that I have reached a very dangerous place. It has nothing to do with BMI or blood pressure or Daily Recommended Allowances. It has everything to do with identity and self-image.
I have come to the jarring realization that I am on the brink of defining myself almost exclusively by my appearance. And that terrifies me.
It's hard for me to admit this because I am a huge advocate of teaching the next generation, young women in particular, of the value of inner beauty. It would be easier to pretend I was not having this struggle, to simply smile and say "thank you" when people notice how different I look now. I hate what the media does to the value of womanhood. I hate that we, as a culture, accept the cheapened version of femininity - the image of women as sexual objects, the condemnation of stay-at-home moms and working moms alike. I hate that, as I myself eye my scale, I have begun to base my worth on how low the number dips. The lower it goes, a little voice tells me, the greater my value.
I know this way of thinking is wrong on multiple levels. First and foremost, it's shallow. To assign a value to any person based on appearance alone is thoughtless, foolish, and often cruel. How do we learn such injustice? Look to Hollywood, full of scripts in which the well-meaning loser guy gets the gorgeous girl, but rarely the reverse. Look to magazines, full of countless glossy pages of women so airbrushed they hardly look real. (Can I also say here how much it pains me to see spreads in which the "affordable" clothing pieces top $400? That's neither here nor there, of course, but man, that gets me riled up! Moving on...) My heart sinks when I think of all the truly talented, hard-working people who will never attain the "success" they desire because they don't have the right "look". We are often chided not to judge a book by its cover, but it's something we do on a daily basis, often subconsciously.
And it hurts.
Another reason that this line of thinking is wrong is that it's simply untrue. The Bible says that every person conceived has value, and nowhere does God indicate that any person is more important than another because of appearance alone. In fact, 1 Samuel 16:7 indicates that God is speaking through the prophet with these beautiful and encouraging words: "But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him [a brother of David]. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” That's pretty darn clear that, although he designed our looks, they don't indicate value before God! We don't have to think, act, speak or look a certain way before he gives us his love!
Yet another argument against these thoughts is a less profound, but equally important one: it robs me of my joy. Instead of enjoying a hearty meal, I find that I eye it warily, mentally calculating the "damage" it may cause. I have been, without even realizing it, labeling myself a "good" or "bad" girl depending on the amount of calories I've consumed and expended each day. Why have I been punishing myself with insults when a chocolate craving attacks me or I don't count out each and every tortilla chip in a serving?
I don't exactly know. In fact, the thing is, I absolutely know better. I have both Bible verses and other words of encouragement to speak over myself. I have a husband, family, and friends who loved me when I weighed almost 170 pounds and they'll also love me when I reach my goal of 126 pounds. I'm not a model or an actress; I'm not in the public eye and therefore required to look a very specific way. (I mean, come on, people, I wear scrubs to work. Comfy, but hardly glamorous.) I'm not trying to "shake my thang" in a bikini on a beach to drop jaws. Even in regards to signing up for the Great Race, I am not trying to win - just to finish. So why is this obsession getting the best of me?
I wish I could say. All I know is that I am not alone. While I do not have an eating disorder, I am aware that I don't have a healthy relationship with food right now. I do wonder - would I feel the same way about myself if I'd been born tall and lanky, with a boyish figure? Or with dark skin and kinky hair? Or even shorter than I am now, with golden skin and almond-shaped eyes? Do all women truly compare themselves to others? Worse, do they compare themselves to those magazine models who don't even exist? Are we all "just 10 pounds" or "just 4 inches" away from accepting ourselves as beautiful?
If my experience is any indication, I'm going to say that no, we're not. You don't automatically gain self respect when you lose weight. Oh, you find yourself more confident, more comfortable, but if you've developed negative habits before you lost the weight (or kicked smoking, or left an abusive relationship, or made whatever life change you needed to in order to be more healthy), you'll hang onto those habits until you realize they're hurting you more than the unhealthy conditions did. Emily told me this morning that the things that wake her up at night aren't reminders of the physical abuse she had suffered - although that hurt, too. She says what troubles her most are the psychological effects - including her own self-image, damaged by relationships that were not right for her.
As with many of my more pensive posts, I don't exactly presume to have an answer. I just wanted to be vulnerable and put this out there. I strongly desire to be a good role model for the young ladies in my life - my friends' daughters, my nieces, the girls in my church's youth group. And, when the time comes, for my own daughter (as bleak as things look right now, somewhere in my heart I still believe I will have a little girl someday). It's the humanity of people who seem to be invincible that makes you realize no one's perfect, and although I don't claim to be a hero, my writings have brought me a lot of comments along the lines of "you're so strong".
I don't feel strong right now, but I do feel like it's okay to admit that.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Nibble, Nibble
A lot has been going on in my life lately. As I mentioned in my previous post, after six months of unemployment, I am now working full time again - and I'm loving it! Working at a pediatric office is not my dream job, but I have to say that it's surprisingly fulfilling. I admit that seeing all the newborns gets tough because of what I have gone through, but I get to see some pretty inspirational things, too. I children with special needs whose parents are 100% invested in their growth and development - no matter how different or difficult that might prove. I see men taking responsibility for their children and refusing to be just another "baby daddy". I enjoy interacting with the kids - especially the ones who haven't yet equated the notion of the doctor with the pain of a shot. They're fearless, and quite a bit of fun.
Along with the sense of peace brought by being a "productive" member of society again, my job has given me another opportunity for which I am deeply grateful - an hour-long lunch break. I don't use these sixty precious moments to socialize, but, for the first time in a very, very long time, I use them to exercise. Although I started counting calories over seven months ago, I hadn't added exercise to my plan until three months ago, when I started working again. The changes in my body, attitude, and health have been mind-blowing. I even got the chance to write about what I am experiencing on the practice's website! I've lost seventeen pounds (give or take) and two jeans sizes. I even did the unthinkable (for me) and signed up for a Couch to 5K program, which started this week.
When I look at the progress I've made this year in the area of my health, I'm both very proud and very grateful. I know that God has been with me during the whole process, even though I haven't talked to him about it a lot. But when I sit back adn examine other areas of my life, I'm very disappointed. For instance: my writing.
I call myself a writer. In my head, that looks a lot like this: I use every spare moment to scribble on napkins, in notebooks, on my own skin the ideas that leap into my consciousness; I rollphrases around in my mind and on my tongue; I have conversations with characters that exist only in my imagination; I relish in sitting down before a blank screen and bleeding words until that screen is full of perfect little rows of beautiful black letters.
But, actually - at least lately - it's looked a lot more like this: I think about my blog and my two novels-in-progress while I'm power-walking on my lunch break, then I come home and have dinner, change into my pajamas, and watch Netflix (the show of the hour is currently Twin Peaks, since the parents wouldn't let me watch it the first time around).
ThenI I feel bad about my lack of writing, and plan to make up for it the next day.
Which, of course, never happens.
Well, I'm going to do something that I've never done before, and take a cue from my own success. In regards to my health, I had determined to take things slow, one step at a time, and actually stop believing that change was impossible. I set goals that were reasonable for me. I took things one day at a time, one decision at a time, and, when I made poor choices, I forgave myself quickly and started anew the next day. Instead of ripping off huge chunks, I was nibbling away at my goals, allowing myself to adjust to a different lifestyle.
I'm going to "nibble" at my writing, too. Finishing two full-length novels and blogging regularly - well, that's a lot to handle, especially when I have the ridiculous mindset that all of my blog posts have to be life-changing - or at the very least, completely thought-out, rehearsed, and flawlessly edited. Not that they always are, of course. But perfectionism will do that to you.
I'm going to "allow" myself to post blogs that are neither deep nor meaningful. I might even post some short stories or creative writing. Poetry. Movie reviews. I will not post anything that violates my stated purpose - to encourage and inspire. But maybe it would be good to start "nibbling" away at my dream again.
It might even taste sweeter that way.
Along with the sense of peace brought by being a "productive" member of society again, my job has given me another opportunity for which I am deeply grateful - an hour-long lunch break. I don't use these sixty precious moments to socialize, but, for the first time in a very, very long time, I use them to exercise. Although I started counting calories over seven months ago, I hadn't added exercise to my plan until three months ago, when I started working again. The changes in my body, attitude, and health have been mind-blowing. I even got the chance to write about what I am experiencing on the practice's website! I've lost seventeen pounds (give or take) and two jeans sizes. I even did the unthinkable (for me) and signed up for a Couch to 5K program, which started this week.
When I look at the progress I've made this year in the area of my health, I'm both very proud and very grateful. I know that God has been with me during the whole process, even though I haven't talked to him about it a lot. But when I sit back adn examine other areas of my life, I'm very disappointed. For instance: my writing.
I call myself a writer. In my head, that looks a lot like this: I use every spare moment to scribble on napkins, in notebooks, on my own skin the ideas that leap into my consciousness; I rollphrases around in my mind and on my tongue; I have conversations with characters that exist only in my imagination; I relish in sitting down before a blank screen and bleeding words until that screen is full of perfect little rows of beautiful black letters.
But, actually - at least lately - it's looked a lot more like this: I think about my blog and my two novels-in-progress while I'm power-walking on my lunch break, then I come home and have dinner, change into my pajamas, and watch Netflix (the show of the hour is currently Twin Peaks, since the parents wouldn't let me watch it the first time around).
ThenI I feel bad about my lack of writing, and plan to make up for it the next day.
Which, of course, never happens.
Well, I'm going to do something that I've never done before, and take a cue from my own success. In regards to my health, I had determined to take things slow, one step at a time, and actually stop believing that change was impossible. I set goals that were reasonable for me. I took things one day at a time, one decision at a time, and, when I made poor choices, I forgave myself quickly and started anew the next day. Instead of ripping off huge chunks, I was nibbling away at my goals, allowing myself to adjust to a different lifestyle.
I'm going to "nibble" at my writing, too. Finishing two full-length novels and blogging regularly - well, that's a lot to handle, especially when I have the ridiculous mindset that all of my blog posts have to be life-changing - or at the very least, completely thought-out, rehearsed, and flawlessly edited. Not that they always are, of course. But perfectionism will do that to you.
I'm going to "allow" myself to post blogs that are neither deep nor meaningful. I might even post some short stories or creative writing. Poetry. Movie reviews. I will not post anything that violates my stated purpose - to encourage and inspire. But maybe it would be good to start "nibbling" away at my dream again.
It might even taste sweeter that way.
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