On Second Thought...

Although I cannot recall the attribution, I recently read somewhere that the first thought that pops into your head about a person or situation is the one you were "trained" to have.  The second thought is the one that defines you as a person.

The idea fascinates me.  As a practicing Christian, I want to be more like Jesus - more loving, more patient, more honest, more encouraging.  Yet I'm appalled, sometimes, by the thoughts that seem to jump into my head.  Seeing a young woman use food stamps while she's pulling out her brand-new iPhone and clicking at it with freshly manicured nails while her three half-dressed children are screaming in the grocery cart.  Obviously she's abusing the system, right?  How could she afford a nice smartphone if she had to apply for government aid?  And for goodness' sake, WHY isn't she taking care of those kids?!

Maybe the phone was a gift.  Maybe her best friend works at a salon and did her nails for free.  And the kids - who knows?  Maybe it was such a nightmare getting them out of the house that one lost a shoe and mom didn't have time to grab it.  Now that I'm a parent, I'm beginning to understand that kids are unpredictable.  They have tantrums at the most inconvenient times.  And sometimes, trying to find an effective method of discipline takes time and lots of trial and error.  I didn't "get" that before Ronen was born.

During my time at Starbucks, I learned a lot about relating to people.  I wasn't the perfect employee, but there were at least a few instances where I seemed to get along with "problem customers" better than some of my peers.  It might have been because, each time a guest treated me rudely or dismissively, I forced myself to think: "Maybe he had a really ugly fight with his wife this morning and he's still shaken about it" or "Maybe she has a meeting at work today that she's not ready for" or "Maybe his kid is failing out of college".  I learned - very slowly - not to take criticism or bad attitudes personally.  I learned to separate what was being said from how it was being said.  

This was incredibly useful, too, later, when I worked for another company in a totally different field.  There was a woman there who was very good at her job, but very abrasive.  She never got that "praise sandwich" memo - you know, where you offer negative feedback to an employee by first encouraging them or reinforcing their positive qualities, then give them the "bad news", and finish with something uplifting?

Image from www.alexanderchrisostomou.co.uk

Yeah, it was like that idea had never crossed her mind.  Most people in the office disliked her, and many outright hated her.  One even asked me, flat-out, "How do you get along with her?"  I replied to this person that, when the woman criticised me, I tried to evaluate what she was saying, rather than how it was coming out of her mouth.  If what she was saying was valid - for example, I'd made a mistake while calculating something - then I accepted it for what it was worth, worked on the problem and moved on.  If it was something without merit - just a lady in a bad mood lashing out - then I dropped it and also moved on.

It wasn't easy and it wasn't something that happened overnight.  I'm also sad to say that it is a skill that never fully translated into my personal life from my professional one.  That's the reason I find myself having the "first thoughts" I mentioned above.  Thoughts of defensiveness.  Of judgment.  Of derision.  Most of them, ultimately, are related to pride or vanity.  "I'm better than than person - in some way."  "I would NEVER make that kind of decision."  "What a stupid thing to say; I'd never comment like that."

This even came up in customer service training at my current job in a pediatric office.  The lecturer spoke about "self-talk", which is in essence, the same thing.  He taught that we might not be able to control how we WANT to react when something happens, but we can "talk ourselves down" to a reasonable place.  It's the same thing as allowing your initial reaction to exist, acknowledging it, and moving on to a more humane or compassionate conclusion.

So I'm trying to be far more conscious of that first thought, and decide what I want to do with it.  Am I going to keep it and make it a part of me?  Or am I going to release it and replace it with a thought that expressed more compassion, more patience, more forgiveness?

The Bible has a lot to say about our thought life, too.  It tells us that God knows our thoughts (1 Corinthians 2:11), as did Jesus when we walked the earth as a man (Luke 9, Luke 11). The best advice the Bible gives about our thought life in regards to others, I think, is in Romans.  Chapter 14, verse 13 admonishes believers to "stop passing judgment on one another.  Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister." This is useful advice that reminds us that we choose to pass judgment and it can cause others to second-guess themselves, as well as make us antagonists.  Are we not supposed to encourage and build up instead of tear down?  Are we not supposed to be a united front for Christ?

Instead of "that driver is a major jagoff" I can choose to give the benefit of the doubt.  Consciously thinking,  "I hope he's not in an accident" or "I hope there's no emergency" allow me to see other people as I'm learning to see myself: flawed, but with potential.

We're all human after all, no?

Silence Has Fallen

I've been quiet on the social media front lately. 

At first, it was for a very good reason: a phenomenal apostolic and prophetic conference at my church in early January caused me to do a lot of reflecting and thinking - in a good way.  I don't plan on getting into an explanation or defense of prophetic teaching at this point; suffice it to say that I got a lot of encouragement and really, some of my joy back.  I began to hope again.  The reminder that God is bigger than anything I am facing - well, that was much-needed.

But, alas, as often happens with big events and experiences, we must return to our daily (often dull) lives, and some of that sparkle fades.  Now, what I took away from the conference - renewed hope, the belief that I will someday (soon!) be a mother, and that God will provide for us - is still living in my heart.  But two weeks of continued failures on the job front, a (still) busted television, unwelcome side effects from medication, frigid weather, the challenges of a (voluntary and temporary) vegetarian lifestyle, and a general sense of apathy have combined and left me feeling a little...

...lumpy.

I can't think of a better word than that, but anyone who's experiences what I have knows exactly what I mean when I say 'lumpy'.  I mean...kind of useless.  Unneeded.  Not depressed, exactly, not sad...but aimless.  I haven't been working on my novels.  I have been counting my calories.   The good news is, I've lost four pounds.  The bad news is...

...I'm still unemployed. 

My little sister got me a lovely insulated lunchbox for my birthday, complete with a monogram.  I haven't gotten to use it yet.

When I lost my job at Starbucks in 2008, I had an interview with Dollar Bank within 6 weeks and was back on my feet with better hours and a shorter commute (most of the time).  My move to Fenner allowed me even better hours and an even shorter commute.  I guess the only reasonable move is to work from home.  But doing what?  I've always felt iffy about earning money for my blogs.  And I am no eBay queen like my stepmum Deana is.  I thought about selling on Etsy for a while, then compared my poor scrawlings to the work available there, and realized that I am no artist - just a doodler.  I thought about selling my poetry, you know, writing original pieces upon request.  Painters do commissions; why couldn't a writer?  Still, I'm not sure there is a market for that.  Except the one dude I wrote love letters for 2 years ago.  $100 for about 11 minutes' work isn't a bad deal, I'd say.

Fortunately for me, Valentine's Day is coming up and I am in every way surrounded my unromantic males.  Maybe I can profit from this...

I mean, really.  As amazing as my cats are, I can only take 1,340 pictures of them before my phone is full.  Geez.

Real Love?

Today, I heard the statistic that a full 56% of Americans surveyed believe in the concept of "love at first sight". 

I almost threw up.

Maybe that's one the biggest problem with society today.  Maybe it's way bigger than gun control, or marriage equality, or mental disease, or religious freedom, or anything else that we can find to fight about. 

It sounds curmudgeonly to say it, but I think the very idea of "love at first sight" is complete bunk.  Poppycock.  A fable. In fact, those very words are pretty darn curmudgeonly, too, but then "curmudgeonly" is, sadly, an under-appreciated word.  Cur.  Mudge.  On.  Ly.  Curmudgeonly!  Type it - it doesn't even feel natural to the fingers, all splayed out over the keys like that.

Back on topic: sure, it's easy to be enraptured with the idea of locking eyes with an attractive stranger and being swept up in a dramatic, emotional affair.  After all, isn't that what so many bar-hoppers are looking for on Saturday nights?  Pretty sure they aren't in the market for a long-term committment - someone who will attend grandfather's funeral with them, or remember to pick up the dry cleaning after work on Thursday.  At least, not the people I know who bar-hop (or used to). Isn't that what the movies feed us, though?  Isn't that how romance novels introduce us to their "heroes"?

The problem with that concept is this: love is not a feeling.  It's not an idea.  It's a choice.  It's a decision.  I love Disney movies as much as the next girl.  Honestly.  They're pretty.  They're fun.  And full of adventure and romance and animals that talk. 

But reality?  Nope.

Well...that would include a sequel in which Cinderella develops embarrassing corns on her feet, leading to painful surgery; Aurora is given an expensive treatment for her narcolepsy that isn't covered by her insurance policy and Prince Philip needs to refinance the castle's mortgage; Ariel gets mercury poisoning from sushi; the Beast realizes that he needs anger-management classes; Belle's dreams of becoming a writer are dashed by rejections from numerous publishing houses;  Aladdin deals with self-esteem issues over marrying above his station; and Tarzan and Jane's children refuse to wear pants, inciting neighbors to call child services on them.

Kind of depressing, huh?

That's where love comes in.  Love is the decision to fight past the disappointments and remind each other about hope and better times.  Love is the promise of "we will get through this".  Love is the blessing God gave man and woman to help them survive the disasters of daily life.  Everything from burning dinner to losing a child is a tragedy in some way or another, and without love, it's pretty tough to navigate life as all those problems begin to pile up.  Even lots of "little" ones, put together, are practically insurmountable. 

Love gives us strength for the climb.  Sometimes, it gives us wings to soar above problems altogether.  But love isn't a quick fix.

That's not to say you can't fall in love quickly.  I did.  Ross proposed when we'd only been dating three months and I said 'yes' with no hesitation whatsoever.  In two days, we celebrate our three-year-anniversary.  But falling in love with someone purely by looking at them?  That's as shallow as the human race can possibly get.  "I like how you look; therefore, I want to possess you."

That's called "lust", friends.  It means 'wanting something that doesn't belong to you'.  And it's called a sin in most major religions.  Even some minor ones, I'd bet.  It's not a good thing.  Don't get me wrong.  Immediate attraction can certainly lead to healthy, mature, loving relationships.  It can open the door to love.  Desiring something that you don't have can be a way to spur us to action, to change, to another path that better defines us.

But please don't give something so fleeting and fickle as lust the huge and all-encompassing title of "love".

Playing It S.M.A.R.T.

This weekend, I taught the youth group about goal-setting.  (Yes, we teach the kids both spiritual truths and "practical" ones...but so much the better when those two can be combined!)  I used the S.M.A.R.T. goal model that I was taught at Starbucks.  The kids giggled a little about how corny the acronym was, but, you kow what?  I think they understood it.  Some of the kids came up with really awesome, lofty goals - one wants to open a day-care, another wants to own a dance studio.  Some goals were a little simpler - to improve grades or to lose weight.  But I was proud of all the kids, because they took the lesson seriously and really thought hard about something they want to accomplish or change about themselves.

So I decided, on this last day of the worst year of my life, that I'm making some changes, too!  I'm not trying to look at these decisions as resolutions, because for me, ike many of you gentle readers, resolutions have a sneaky way of getting broken rather quickly.  I'm making these changes to improve the quality of my life - spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  So, these are the things I'm going to try to commit to in 2013...

1. Lose 32 pounds by my 32nd birthday!  This gives me 10 1/2 months to gradually lose weight by making healthier choices daily - not by starving myself (pfft, like that ever works anyway).  It also filters in time for me to make mistakes (hello, Grandma's butter cookies!) and slowly adjust to comsuming less calories.  If I were a more determined person, I could accomplish this more quickly, but I know myself.  THIS is the way to set myself up for success!  My resources include my friends on MyFitnessPal, an app/website that helps count calories and connect me with other like-minded people.  In addition, I'm trying to bake more of my own sweet treats, rather than buy them, so I am more conscious of what ingredients go into them.  My reasons for this goal include: avoiding the health problems that plague my family (diabetes, heart disease, etc.) and having more self-confidence.  I am also hoping that, by becoming healthier, my chances for having a successful full-term pregnancy may increase.  The doctors have run many tests on me and there is nothing "wrong" with me, but it can't hurt either, can it? 



Dear Jesus: Thank You that these
things have gone out of style...

2. Write, write, write!  I have two novels running laps in my head.  Each day another runner joins the mix, and yet I'm not giving them the time to spill out onto the pages, accomplishing their goals!  By the end of 2013, I want to have finished and edited (and maybe self-published!?) one of my novels.  Although they are both my babies and very precious to me, I think my odds are the best if I work on my superhero story, Normal Was Never Enough.  You can expect updates and more blog posts about this story as I progress.  I would like to sit down and write everyday, but I think that's another set-up for failure.  My goal is to work on the novel three times weekly.  I also want to make sure I am updating all three of my blogs at least once weekly.

3. Make God my number one priority.  I love Jesus.  I've been a Christian for (now, I think it's official) over half of my life.  But it's becoming increasingly easy for my to put other things first.  I want to reverse that trend and make more time for the Lord in my daily life.  I know there's not a simple trick to this.  But I'm asking God to help me fall in love with Him again first.  Everything else will follow. 

4. Keep my friends close.  I have been blessed with a number of wonderful, supportive, funny, beautiful and loving friends.  Yet during the past year - probably because of all the trauma we've endured - I've found myself pulling away from companionship.  Part of it deals with that self-consciousness issue I mentioned above.  Am I just the "funny fat friend"?  Am I really cool enough to be hanging out with these incredible girls?  I am realizing that asking myself those questions is actually a sign that I need to spend less time alone.  Because who thinks like that?  No one should!  My goal is to try to spend a little time with one (or more) of my girlfriends at least every two weeks.  Even if it's an hour-long stop at Starbucks between one woman's mommy duties.  It would really benefit me to get out of the house, anyway!

5. Get.  A.  Job.  This is probably the most urgent of my goals, for financial reasons as well as psychological ones.  I thought that being unemployed would mean that I would have more time and opportunity to work on my hobbies and take care of the house.  Well, it did.  But being unemployed certainly didn't suddenly give me the desire to wipe counters or scrub toilets.  Why did I think that it would?  I have no idea.  I need a job to help support Ross in taking care of our financial needs, but I also need a job to give myself more structure and human interaction - even on the days when I prefer my pets over other people!  I should mention that I have received a few offers and am still considering some of them, but right now I'm still waiting on hearing from My Dream Job with the Carnegie Library.  (Those of you who pray may want to offer up a few pleas for me, since I really feel this is the perfect fit for me, but I probably won't hear anything until the end of this week at the earliest!)

Still not quite sure how I landed such an amazing guy!

6. Be a better wife.  It's not about being more submissive, or more meek, or more docile.  I want to be a better support for my husband, who is truly the greatest man in the world to me.  I want to learn how to compromise more effectively, love him in the ways that best encourage him, and help him reach his own goals.  I'm not saying I haven't done that in the past (almost) three years, but I know in my heart that I can do better.  Step one: we both need to out down the iPhones and talk to each other.  I refuse to let technology weaken my marriage!

Wow.  Looking back over everything I just wrote makes 2013 look like a year with a lot of challenges in it!  But I am trusting God that he will help me meet them all head-on.  I'm really excited to leave 2012 behind me and shake its dust off my feet.  It was a sharp and ugly bend in the road, but it's not the end, and I am truly beliving that the months ahead will be smoother, clearer, and more straight-forward a drive on the highway of life!

God knows I need it!

Best wishes, blessings and a joy-filled 2013 to all of you.  Thanks for the support over the past few years.  I look forward to entertaining you for many more years to come.  Unless all the technology changes again; then we'll have to do this all telepathically or something.

I guess I'm okay with that.  Happy New Year!