The Numbers Game

I hand-wrote (!) this message yesterday during some down time at work (days before holiday weekends are generally very slow).  After talking with my relatively new artsy-nerdy friend Emily over coffee this morning, I felt it very important to post this today.  I am certain that there are a lot of women, and probably a lot of men, who are dealing with the same feelings as me, and this is something that needs to be addressed right away.

As I inch (literally) closer to my weight and health goals, I realize that I have reached a very dangerous place.  It has nothing to do with BMI or blood pressure or Daily Recommended Allowances.  It has everything to do with identity and self-image.

I have come to the jarring realization that I am on the brink of defining myself almost exclusively by my appearance.  And that terrifies me.

It's hard for me to admit this because I am a huge advocate of teaching the next generation, young women in particular, of the value of inner beauty.  It would be easier to pretend I was not having this struggle, to simply smile and say "thank you" when people notice how different I look now.  I hate what the media does to the value of womanhood.  I hate that we, as a culture, accept the cheapened version of femininity - the image of women as sexual objects, the condemnation of stay-at-home moms and working moms alike.  I hate that, as I myself eye my scale, I have begun to base my worth on how low the number dips.  The lower it goes, a little voice tells me, the greater my value.

I know this way of thinking is wrong on multiple levels.  First and foremost, it's shallow.  To assign a value to any person based on appearance alone is thoughtless, foolish, and often cruel.  How do we learn such injustice?  Look to Hollywood, full of scripts in which the well-meaning loser guy gets the gorgeous girl, but rarely the reverse.  Look to magazines, full of countless glossy pages of women so airbrushed they hardly look real.  (Can I also say here how much it pains me to see spreads in which the "affordable" clothing pieces top $400?  That's neither here nor there, of course, but man, that gets me riled up!  Moving on...)  My heart sinks when I think of all the truly talented, hard-working people who will never attain the "success" they desire because they don't have the right "look".  We are often chided not to judge a book by its cover, but it's something we do on a daily basis, often subconsciously.

And it hurts.

Another reason that this line of thinking is wrong is that it's simply untrue.  The Bible says that every person conceived has value, and nowhere does God indicate that any person is more important than another because of appearance alone.  In fact, 1 Samuel 16:7 indicates that God is speaking through the prophet with these beautiful and encouraging words: "But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him [a brother of David]. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”  That's pretty darn clear that, although he designed our looks, they don't indicate value before God!  We don't have to think, act, speak or look a certain way before he gives us his love!

Yet another argument against these thoughts is a less profound, but equally important one: it robs me of my joy.  Instead of enjoying a hearty meal, I find that I eye it warily, mentally calculating the "damage" it may cause.  I have been, without even realizing it, labeling myself a "good" or "bad" girl depending on the amount of calories I've consumed and expended each day.  Why have I been punishing myself with insults when a chocolate craving attacks me or I don't count out each and every tortilla chip in a serving?

I don't exactly know.  In fact, the thing is, I absolutely know better.  I have both Bible verses and other words of encouragement to speak over myself.  I have a husband, family, and friends who loved me when I weighed almost 170 pounds and they'll also love me when I reach my goal of 126 pounds.  I'm not a model or an actress; I'm not in the public eye and therefore required to look a very specific way.  (I mean, come on, people, I wear scrubs to work.  Comfy, but hardly glamorous.)  I'm not trying to "shake my thang" in a bikini on a beach to drop jaws.  Even in regards to signing up for the Great Race, I am not trying to win - just to finish.  So why is this obsession getting the best of me?

I wish I could say.  All I know is that I am not alone.  While I do not have an eating disorder, I am aware that I don't have a healthy relationship with food right now.  I do wonder - would I feel the same way about myself if I'd been born tall and lanky, with a boyish figure?  Or with dark skin and kinky hair?  Or even shorter than I am now, with golden skin and almond-shaped eyes?  Do all women truly compare themselves to others?  Worse, do they compare themselves to those magazine models who don't even exist?  Are we all "just 10 pounds" or "just 4 inches" away from accepting ourselves as beautiful?

If my experience is any indication, I'm going to say that no, we're not.  You don't automatically gain self respect when you lose weight.  Oh, you find yourself more confident, more comfortable, but if you've developed negative habits before you lost the weight (or kicked smoking, or left an abusive relationship, or made whatever life change you needed to in order to be more healthy), you'll hang onto those habits until you realize they're hurting you more than the unhealthy conditions did.  Emily told me this morning that the things that wake her up at night aren't reminders of the physical abuse she had suffered - although that hurt, too.  She says what troubles her most are the psychological effects - including her own self-image, damaged by relationships that were not right for her.  

As with many of my more pensive posts, I don't exactly presume to have an answer.  I just wanted to be vulnerable and put this out there.  I strongly desire to be a good role model for the young ladies in my life - my friends' daughters, my nieces, the girls in my church's youth group.  And, when the time comes, for my own daughter (as bleak as things look right now, somewhere in my heart I still believe I will have a little girl someday).  It's the humanity of people who seem to be invincible that makes you realize no one's perfect, and although I don't claim to be a hero, my writings have brought me a lot of comments along the lines of "you're so strong".  

I don't feel strong right now, but I do feel like it's okay to admit that.

Eye of the Beholder

Last week, Ross and I spent a day in Washington, D.C. I had been there four times previously, but never as a sightseer.  Once, I went for a debate tournament and ended up in the hospital with a severe allergic reaction (thanks, dude at Ben & Jerry's who didn't clean the scoop between uses).  Another time, I went as the wardrobe mistress for Songs for a New World, which Clarion University had the honor of performing at the Kennedy Center.  Another time, my sister and I joined the March for Life, held in a particuarly bitter January (we did end up with our pictures in a news article).  And once, I was just passing through, catchinhg a connecting flight back to Pittsburgh.  I got to fly over the Potomac at sunset.  It was beautiful.

But this time, Ross and I were the touristy sort.  I shamelessly flashed my camera everywhere, including places it was prohibited (I got three clean shots before being shut down but the polite but stern security guard).  I was surprised, though, at how many of the Smithsonian Institute Museums actually DO allow photography.  It was a sightseer's dream come true.

There was a particularly cool exhibit about the government's influence on America's eating habits, including rationing and government-sponsored food campaigns.  One was about eating more carp.  It was awesome.  I also noticed no apologies issued for America's over-consumption of simple carbohydrates, but then, you can't have it all.  To my delight, there was a small patch, much like a Boy or Girl Scout badge, that advertized "Heinz's Ketchup".  How charming!  Representin' the Steel City, baby!

In addition, Ross and I meandered over to the public archives to do a little digging about our respective family histories.  I've always been  fascinated about my unusual maiden name, and why it was so hard to trace my lineage back to my family's native Belgium.  Well, I found out why when I saw a copy of my great-grand-uncle's marriage certificate.  Louise Paulette married a Geroges Henri TILLIETTE on June 8, 1890.  The spelling of my family's name had, in fact, been changed when they came to America!  I was enraptured!  Finally, I might be able to trace my history further back than Ellis Island records indicate!  Still, there are some "holes" in my history that are proving more difficult than delightful.  For example, there's no record of Georges Henri actually coming to America, nor his brother Joseph, who was my great-grandfather.  In addition, there were three seperate women named Pauline in the family tree, making things even more twisted.  I learned more about both my grandfathers' service records, and that there is no birth record of my mother, my aunt, or myself.  Still, those records are being updated all the time, and since there aren't a lot of people searching for Thielets and Kuskils, I don't imagine they're being worked on too hastily.

We ate a quick but delicious lunch at Taqeria Nacional, a tiny Mexican joint wedged behind and incredibly classy seafood house.  We joyfully clutched our greasy bag of delicious tacos and our bottle of Mexican Coca-Cola and squeezed past the huge sea of "regulars" - almost all middle-class power-suited whites - and sat down against the building across the street.  With Ross's huge backpack and our scrubby jeans, people must have thought we were homeless.  I didn't care.  My fish taco was awesome. 

As fun as everything was, the best part, for me, came when we stopped at a Sheetz in Maryland.  There was a trio of noisy pre-teen girls jabbering about a boy or something, in front of us as we waited for my sandwich (turkey on wheat with veggies, no dressing) and Ross's smoothie (epic strawberry banana masterpiece).  The employee called out Ross's drink, and the littlest girl looked towards us, saying, "Is this yours?" Immediately, we had all their attention.  "Are you really in the army?" one girl asked, indicating Ross's shirt.  "No," I apologized, feeling his muscles. "But he looks like he could be, doesn't he?" "Are you boyfriend-girlfriend?" the other girl asked.  "We're married," Ross replied, showing them his wedding ring.  "We're from Pittsburgh," I offered.  "Oooh, I bet you're Steelers fans!  I'm sorry about that last game, but you guys have the whole season to make it up!"  I laughed.  Were these the girls who had irritated me only minutes before because they were being too noisy?  How unfair of me.  The ringleader of the group turned to me. "You're really pretty!" she said.  I melted.  Me?  Pretty?  A few moments before, in the car, I had been mercilessly picking at a pimple on my chin, complaining to Ross that I still had to lose the few pounds I had put on during my pregnancy.  I was in a shapeless black dress and dumpy sweater.  But this little girl thought I was pretty?

"Thank you, sweetie," I said humbly.  Ross came back from paying for our food, and the girls beamed.  "I wish you a happy marriage!" one said.

"God bless you girls," I said, silently thanking the Lord that he had arranged for that chance meeting.

"God bless you, too!" they replied proudly.

Five Underrated: Stores

I like to shop.  I really, really like to shop.  For myself, for others, for groceries.  I can't really prove it, but I think it's inherent in my nature.  My mom taught me to look for sales and my husband taught me how to clip coupons, so I'm pretty much a deal-finding machine in heels.  I'm sharing my secrets with you now!

1. Ross Dress for Less

No, I am not a fan simply because the name is the same as my husband's!  I "discovered" this place when I was taking a class for Dollar Bank all the way up in Fox Chapel.  It's across the street from the branch, and so one day I figured I'd stop in and try to find a new dress for Easter.  I got so excited inside that I almost threw up.  It's primarily a women's clothing store, and the selection and prices are unreal.  There are sheath dresses from Calvin Klein (I saw one for $19.99), retro-print sundresses by Nine West, Steve Madden shoes and XOXO sunglasses, plus a huge variety of lesser-known brands.  One of my favorites is London Times, which features a lot of throwback cuts and patterns, and there were dozens of their styles at Ross!  It was a dream come true.  Not to mention, the sales staff was pretty friendly.  I am only able to go there when I have class at Fox Chapel, so I haven't been there more than a half-dozen times.  Still, the sales associate who joked with me during my first trip there remembered me last week and eyed up at my purchase.  "Nothing for you today?  Just for him?" she remarked as I put the items on hold.  "His birthday is coming up," I explained.  "But I'll be back for myself again very soon!"

Good Stuff: Huge selection, friendly customer service, decent prices.

Downside: Very few locations.

Bonus: Senior citizens' discount!

2. Aldi

This place is hardly a trade secret.  It's pretty obvious: your choices of brands and products are severely limited, but that is exactly what allows you to save big on basic items.  Well, since I'm a girl who likes variety and choice, I resisted going to Aldi for a while.  Finally, during on of our bi-monthly jaunts to Robinson, Ross and I figured we'd stop in, sniff around, and see if we found anything that appealed to us.  We sure did!  After being used to spending an arm and a leg for produce at Giant Eagle, we were blown away to learn that we could get all our basics (peppers, spinach, bananas, mushrooms, an avocado and grapes) for about $16.00 a week.  Plus, the produce was in good shape.  The yellow peppers were big and shiny, and the mushrooms are every bit as plump and healthy-looking as the ones in bigger supermarkets.  We also found that the Fit & Active brand is a great choice for lunch snacks like cookies and granola bars.  They taste like the name brands, but they are a lot less expensive.  We've begun to regularly get our produce and snacks at Aldi.  Now, for meats and specialty items, including lower-fat and lower-sodium items, we do still go to Giant Eagle.  The selection is simply better.  And, well, I am picky. 

Good Stuff: Fantastic prices.

Downside: Limited selection, only accepts debit/cash.

Bonus: Bringing your own bags helps the environment!

3. TJMaxx and Marshalls

They're part of the same, massive, money-saving fashion chain, so I mention them together.  Like Ross Dress For Less, Maxx 'n' Marshalls are full of insane deals and brand-name products.  Lots of Calvin Klein dresses, Michal Kors sweaters, and Tahari suits.  Of course, I'm not always swayed by brand-names (since I don't find a lot of their petite styles in discount stores), so I'm always ready to scour the clearance racks and redline shoe shelves to find something worth crowing about.  The men's section is great, too, and considerably larger than the one at Ross Dress For Less.  (My) Ross is almost always able to find a nice Geoffrey Beene or Perry Ellis oxford shirt in his size for between $12.99 and $24.99 - which is well over 60% less than the prices at Macy's and other such department stores!  Also of note: these stores have super housewares departments full of really great gift ideas.  Exotic coffees, spices and teas, novelty mugs, cookbooks, all kinds of gourmet snack foods like jelly beans, crackers and candy (men, do you hear?  Salty, crunchy deliciousness for you, and sweet, sweet chocolate for her). Go now!

Good stuff: Huge selection, decent prices.

Downside: $49.99 is still too much to pay for a Tommy Hilfiger dress.

Bonus: Gift cards available at Giant Eagle, so you can save on fuel, too!

4. Big Lots

My extremely thrifty grandfather used to bring gifts for my sister when he came to visit us.  Huge bags of toys from a place he kept talking about: Big Lots.  I remember being disappointed because I was still getting generic Barbie Dolls at age 16...but we never could deny the sheer volume of stuff that we got.   Games, dolls, toys, snacks and treats, movies...you name it, we got it.  Since a lot of the items seemed cheap or second-rate, I stayed away from Big Lots when they opened up down the road from me.  Finally, though, my curiosity overtook me and I ventured in.  I could not possibly have been more mistaken about Big Lots!  I don't know if the quality has improved in the past 15 years or I have simply learned to care less, but the truth is, the store is really, really great.  Like the stores already mentioned, Big Lots does carry plenty of brand-name items (Salon Selectives hair products, Lay's potato chips, Maybelline mascara, etc.) but they also carry a wealth of generic items, too.  I love going to Big Lots for snack food (Shearer's Pepperoni Pizza potato chips - nice!) and for gifts and prizes for children's church.  Big Lots doesn't specialize in clothing, but they have a nice furniture section with unique and beautiful pieces, like coffee-cup adorned bistro-style chairs.  They're also much more likely than the other stores to have large seasonal displays.  It's a great place to get all your holiday decorations, wrapping paper, greeting cards...and some gifts, too!

Good Stuff: amazing prices.

Downside: Items are often discontinued.

Bonus: In-store rewards program offers 20% off an entire order once $200 in purchases are made!

5. Wal*Mart

Yes, I know this industry giant has been under fire practically since its inception.  And I am not by any means condoning their business practices or even addressing ethical issues.  What I am saying is that it is not possible to buy a huge bag of salmon fillets anywhere in America for $4.99 - except at Wal*Mart.  For standard needs like health and beauty products and school supplies, it's hard to beat Wal*Mart's prices.  Big Lots is likely to have a lot of what you need, but since they supply overstock, there's never a guarantee that they will carry the brand of diapers or the hair color you're looking for.  Wal*Mart pretty much can guarantee all of that.  As for clothes, well, it's hit or miss, I think, for most people.  Personally, I have no shame in wearing Faded Glory flip-flops or Jordache jeans.  It's not always a matter of style, because their designers are still able to keep up with trends.  It's more an issue of fit and quality.  I am more likely to buy basics, like t-shirts, underwear and pantyhose, at Wal*Mart, while I find suits and jeans elsewhere.

Good Stuff: Incredibly low prices.

Downside: Poor customer service, negative media attention.

Bonus: Most locations are open 24 hours!

Honorable Mention

1. Fashion Bug (Women's Clothing and Accessories)

2. Dollar Tree (Discount Store)

3. Five Below (Discount Store)

Next up in the series: music!