Ross and I had the "we want kids" talk the very first week we dated. When we were married, I kept him up late at night bemoaning the fact that we would have to raise our children in a society that actively tries to steal innocence away from the innocent. We talked about how we would react if, God forbid, anything should ever happen to one of our children. We talked about our own childhoods - the things we felt our parents got right, and the things that we're still learning to leave behind. We talked about praying for God's perfect timing...because the more we hung out with our friends Matt and Jaime and their gorgeous twin girls, the more I wanted a baby, and the more Ross wanted conditions to be perfect so we could have said baby. I needed to lose some weight and get my blood pressure under control. Ross wanted a better-paying job that was closer to home. We talked, and talked, and talked, and waited, and waited, and waited, until the time was right.
And, apparently, in June of 2011, the time was right, whether we wanted it to be or not.
Trust me - it was a shock. A huge shock. A jaw-dropping, panic-inducing, earth-changing, wardrobe-destroying shock. Emotions rushed and buzzed at me like a hive of disturbed honeybees. I was happy, angry, disappointed, afraid, surprised, bitter, jealous, thrilled, hopeful, resentful, relieved, anxious...so, yeah, shocked.
I'd had this cute idea to mail my step-mum, Deana, a message with eBay letterhead (she is a certified eBay teacher and eBay store owner) thanking her and stating that her order for one grandchild would be delivered in approximately nine months. Adorable and clever, right? Instead, in a panic and desperate for prayer and support, I sent a picture message of the positive test to my dad, step-mum and sis, Jules. They, of course, were thrilled and I was buoyed by a little bit of hope.
Until I had to work a few hours later. I was pale, still in shock. I was in no physical pain, but the ladies I work with called me up to the teller line, and immediately asked if I was pregnant. I mustered up the talent and skills I had gained from 4 1/2 years of theatrical training and laughed it off, citing instead a very poor night's sleep.
My main concern that morning was my blood pressure. It's quite abnormal for a 29-year-old woman to have dangerously high blood pressure, but up until about 3 months ago, mine was regularly about 140/100 or higher. The doctors had rules out my thyroid, my weight (although they said I could lose some) and my diet, as well as my heart itself, but no one has been able to put a finger on what exactly is wrong. They stopped trying to look. The medication I was taking (which wasn't working consistently...but, then, also wasn't being taken consistently, either...) was not safe for pregnant women, so they switched me to another, which (thank you, Jesus!) works incredibly well. Still, this is a high-risk pregnancy. I am claiming what my pastor spoke over Ross and me in encouragement yesterday: that the baby will be healthy, that I will have no unnecessary discomfort, and that the baby will not be a hindrance to our ministry. Amen!
So this is why I have been silent for so many weeks. It's been almost the only thing on my mind, and since, like many women, I wasn't comfortable "going public" until my first trimester ended, I haven't had much to say. Since I write to be read, as assess my own thoughts, I felt trapped. I couldn't talk about what I wanted to, so I clammed up. But now everything is out in the open, and I am free to chatter all I please.
But I hope I don't become a crazy pregnant lady and talk NONSTOP about what the baby is doing, what the baby might be doing, what the baby should be doing, what I'm doing, how great I feel, how bad I feel, how the kitten is reacting to the news...
...you know, all that unimportant stuff.
The good news is this: our first two doctors' appointments went well. As far as they can tell, things look good. I have been mercifully blessed with a complete and utter LACK of morning sickness, and other than general fatigue and some bloating, I feel pretty good. A little dizziness, a little soreness and back pain, but I almost feel guilty at how easy my first trimester has been. In fact, it's been such a breeze that I don't even feel pregnant. The other good news is that, the same week I found I couldn't button my pants, one of my best girls (Jaime) sent my husband home from a visit with two humongous bags of maternity clothes and some books to read.
Plus...a few weeks after we found out, Ross was hand-picked for a new, higher-paying, closer-to-home position at work. He loves what he is doing.
I am insanely blessed.
And so is this baby.
I'm almost scared of how much love will be poured out over this little one. The young kids at church are fascinated. Our parents are thrilled. The church is elated. My co-workers are pleased. And, not to mention, Ross and I are finally getting excited ourselves.
God's timing is perfect...whether we're ready or not!
