A Year of Hits and "Missus"

One year of marriage came and went without loads of fanfare (although we did enjoy a delicious late lunch at Benihana).  As I reflect on the past 365 days or so, I am struck at how much marriage has changed me - but not in the ways that I had anticipated.

Although I would never trade marital bliss for anything else in the world (after all, it had been at the tops of my prayer request list for, oh, about 15 years or so), I am feeling the burden of how much more there is to learn about being a wife...being a good wife...and being a good Christian wife.

Please don't assume, that when I mention a "good Christian wife", I mean to refer to a pretty, fresh faced stay-at-home mother of four beautiful, athletic and intelligent children, who always sorts her whites from her darks in the wash, and who has dinner planned out for every night of the week, whose family never, ever consumes trans fats, whose budget is supplemented with coupon-clipping wisdom, who actually, somehow, benefits from Macy's One-Day Sales, who keeps in touch with all her girlfriends, who brings perfectly frosted homemade cupcakes to every bake sale, who manages to attend her youngest child's dance recital and her oldest one's softball game in the same evening, and who never "has a headache" when her husband wants to spend time with her.

This woman?  I have never met her.  Have you?  I think I once saw her on America's Most Wanted, but she's never been located.

I am still trying to figure out how to be a decent wife.  I assumed everything would somehow just miraculously work itself out.  For example, I assumed that, after getting married, I would never again feel unattractive.  Truth is, no matter how often Ross tells me he loves me (which is, on the average, 8-10 times a day), or that I am beautiful (same), I still sometimes feel ugly or useless.  Even in spending time with Ross, I can feel lonely.  Isolated.  Is it his fault?  Certainly not.  The blame rests with me, for attempting to find in Ross the affirmation I need from God.

I thought I knew better than to do that.

Things just happen.

I also had read, prior to my marriage, that a common trap for both sexes, but primarily for women, is to withdraw from same-sex friendships.  Of course, your spouse should indeed be your best friend, but - as much as Ross loves me - he doesn't get the same thrill out of shoe-shopping as my girls do.  I made this mistake, too.  After a year of leading a small group of three lovely women - two of whom later became my bridesmaids - I took time off.  A lot of time off.  I still attended church, but slowly became less and less likely to attend other social events.  Especially if Ross would not or could not attend with me.  What was going on?  

I realized I wasn't alone.  On the relatively infrequent occasions when I did meet with other, married girlfriends, we found ourselves enjoying each others' company, catching up like we had never missed a beat...and lamenting that we never hung out anymore.  In fact, we never hung out with anyone anymore.  It was like our social lives had been swallowed up by our marriages.  Some of my friends got new houses this past year...some got married...some had (a-dor-able!) babies...some changed jobs...but all of us are busy.  Keeping house, making dinner, participating in church events and working full or part-time, it seems, keep most of us occupied permanently.  And, of course, on those nights off...all we feel like do is zonking out in front of the TV.  Even if it's off.

So what do I do?

Well, right now, I fast.

In fact, my church, and many others in America, are in the middle of a 21-day fast for spiritual guidance.  Now, most of us aren't fasting all food.  Some of us are abstaining from things in addition to certain types of food.  That's not the point.  The point is that we're all trying to hear from God in different, but important, areas of our lives.  As for me, I am fasting for guidance and direction from the Lord.  I want to learn to put others first, and to be less selfish.  I am fasting on behalf of my small group, which is re-launching in just a few days.  I am fasting because I want to be more like Jesus...and, in some ways, less like me.

I am fasting so I can learn how to control my selfish desires.  I am fasting so I can be a better wife.  That good Christian wife I mentioned earlier?  She's not necessarily a stay-at-home mom.  She's not necessarily even a mom.  She doesn't always keep a clean home or say the right things at the right time to her friends.  She doesn't always dress well.  Heck, she may spend all day in her pajamas.  What she does do is put God first, her husband and marriage second, and her family third.  She makes a decision, every day, to be selfless in every area of her life.

I will keep trying.