The Only Way Out is Up!

Well, here we are again...me, my thoughts, my coffee cup, and a screaming kitten locked in the basement because he won't stop biting my head.

Man, it's been a crappy month.

I've always wanted, and tried, to use my blog as a voice of encouragement, humor, and creativity - an outlet for the expression of my relationship with God, my friends and family, with only the occasional venture into lecturing and pontificating.  And yet...this month has been sucking all that humor and creativity out of me!

August started out just fine, with an appointment to check on the baby's health and a lot of excitement about Ross's new job - which is going very well, by the way!  Then, on the 16th, everything fell apart.  It was that day that we learned our baby had gone to heaven almost 3 weeks before.  The next day I endured severe pain and headed to the ER as my body finally decided to release what was left of the pregnancy. The next day, I spent 7 hours at the hospital, having a routine (but incredibly depressing) D and C performed to help prevent infection and to help ready my body for a future pregnancy. 

The only glimmer of joy that week for us was when we held our first Youth Night of Prayer (YNoP) at church, and we had over a dozen young people come, pray, worship, love on each other, and learn more about God.  The response was overwhelming, and many of the kids immediately asked when we could get together again.  I was so honored and touched that God would allow us, in the midst of terrible pain, to be an encouragement to young people who wanted nothing more than to learn about him.

After that weekend, we returned to work.  I was fortunate in that most of my co-workers were very supportive and caring.  Shannon, usually the "goofy" one, took the time to pick out a beautiful sympathy card with scripture and a tender message of encouragement for Ross and me.  A few women I work with came forward and said that they'd experienced the same thing, and they shared how they felt and what helped them get through the grief.  The women at church did the same thing.  In a way, I felt like a part of a silent sisterhood - an "underground" circle of women who have dealt alternately with guilt, fear, shame, anger, relief, and jealousy - and who have also experienced healing.  For that reason, I do want to start a blog that shares messages of sorrow and hope with women who are dealing with the loss of a child.  There is so much strength in words!

And as we rounded the bend on that week, things fell apart yet again.  My stepmum, Deana, has been going through a battery of tests lately to determine the cause of abdominal pain and some other issues.  They've finally determined that she may have had a mini-stoke and, this week, she'll be undergoing a day of testing to discover if there are blockages or problems in her brain or arteries.  The same day I learned that, my father told me that he would be headed to the doctor, too, as they think that a small mole on his face has become cancerous.

Seriously?  Are you kidding me?  Should we all just rent a wing at St. Clair Hospital?

As Ross and I were thinking about all this, another ray of hope sprang into our lives.  my little sister, Jules, asked me to be the matron of honor in her June 2 wedding next year.  Of course I would do it, I told her.  The bonus is that I have all of nine months to slim down and help her plan her dream wedding (a western theme, of course, but I am hoping there will be no lariats involved in any way...).

Then, our fridge died.  Completely without warning.  I now have three dirty old coolers and a mini-fridge humming in the middle of my kitchen, full of soggy boxes, half-thawed meats, lumpy ice cream and questionable vegetables.  And the new fridge won't be delivered until Saturday.  

Saturday.

That same day, I locked my keys in the car while shopping and had to wait two hours for help.  "Help" was supposed to be AAA but they got backed up, so Ross left work early to come and rescue me.  Then, last night, I smashed my toe with a chair.  Accidentally, of course.  The good news was, we had plenty of bagged ice to help ease the pain.  But this month...geez!  Then there was the earthquake (Ross felt it; I did not), the threats of Hurricane Irene smashing into the mainland, and Ross's fear that he also may need surgery (we checked with the doctor; he is fine).

All of these things individually aren't really so bad (except, I'm afraid, for the health issues and the natural disasters).  Some of them are even laughable.  But when almost-funny things happen on top of really traumatic things, they become not-funny.  They become an additional brick in the weary load.

The words of Jesus, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:30), come to mind.  I realized this week that this verse has absolutely nothing to do with work itself, or with troubles, or with anyone else lightening your own load in any way.  It's about you and Jesus, and that's it.  It's about you surrendering your worries and anxieties to Him!  It's not about life getting easier, or troubles diminishing.  It's about you focusing so intently on the Lord that your issues seem less significant in the light of His love for you and others.  It's about obeying God's commands and enjoying a life without the troubles that our own sin and selfish nature make for us.  That's not to say that when we focus on God, all our bills get paid, our cars get fixed, our children get along and our laundry gets done.  It is to say that, when we put him first and truly try to follow after him, listen to his word and serve him and others, we have less time to wallow in our own problems and give in to our fears.

This month has been a torrent of emotions for us.  We've been sad, angry, afraid, hopeful...but mostly, just exhausted.  The sheer mental strain of the past few weeks has knocked my sleeping patterns completely out of whack, and I am waking up confused and disoriented (although I am tossing less in my sleep).  Ross and I are still struggling to find exactly what our role is at church.  We're still trying to be good kids, good leaders, good employees, good for each other.  We're trying to trust God when much of the world still sees that trust and faith as weakness and foolishness.  We're learning to love each other more deeply, appreciate each other more, depend on technology less.  We're walking through this one step at a time, as we must, and we're well aware of the fact that God has ordered and guided our steps, and nothing this month has caught him by surprise.

Still wishing he'd sometimes let us in on a little sneak preview of the rough stuff...but we walk by faith, not by sight.  Sometimes, you just have to take that walk with tiny little baby steps, carefully, slowly.  As long as you're still walking forward, the light of Christ's love will illuminate the path ahead - even if it's only one step at a time.