Who's the Victim?

In general, I prefer to stay away from hot topics and current events.  Mostly because I find that the news media rarely reveals more than one side of the story - although there are usually several that should be explored.

Still, the whole Steubenville rape tragedy is something that has been rolling around in my mind a lot lately.  I am hearing so many different opinions, and a lot of them seem to me to be fueled by nothing more than outrage.  From the students who accused the victim of ruining their lives, to the reporters who lamented the loss of the rapists' "promising futures", to the feminists who are squawking against the double standard, to the media "geniuses" who concluded that the best and most important "lesson" from the rape case is that social media can be dangerous...I think many people are missing the point.  The point is that, as a culture, we don't respect women.

This past weekend, noted speaker, writer, and women's advocate Lee Grady taught at my church.  On Saturday night, he spoke to both men and women about many of the terrible things that happen to women - on a regular basis - across the globe.  He talked about female genital mutilation, spousal rape/abuse, and many other things that saddened our hearts.  He said that much of the violence continues because women have been taught to accept it.  

How are things different in America?  They aren't.

For all of our "modern" ways and our first-world lifestyle, I challenge you.  Think about it.  If women in South America have been conditioned to accept physical abuse because it is an "understood" part of marriage according to their culture; if women in Africa hold their own screaming daughters down as they are circumcised because it is "necessary" according to their culture, we are no different.  Women in America are being taught by the media that their bodies are of no value unless they are changed - shaved, enhanced, diminished, colored,  plucked, clothed - in a way that is more appealing to men.  It's an easy brainwash, if you start out young - which, of course, we are.

Image from www.blog.bratz.com.

Many of my peers have babies and toddlers now.  I'm learning from their blogs and from other social media that many of them, regardless of their religion, agree with me that something is very wrong with what the media is teaching our children.  It's as though young moms and dads have had their eyes opened - they see the commercials and products aimed at their babies as though for the first time.  They are shocked to read articles about children in first-grade referring to themselves as "fat".  Some of them don't like the idea of Disney princesses, because they're afraid their girls will think that finding a "prince" is their only job in life!

Image from www.filmschoolrejects.com.

Yet the self-esteem-crushing industrial monster, fueled by the masses, blazes ahead, marketing also to teens and young adults.  What do we have available for them? The Twilight series, one of the best-selling trilogies of all time, which features a young woman who is actually in an abusive relationship (read a clear, simply-worded explanation here).  We're teaching our daughters to desire men who control them and manipulate them, who won't allow them their independence.  I am by no means a feminist in the extreme and somewhat twisted sense of the term, but I can definitely get on the wagon with them concerning this.  Bella is a poor excuse for a heroine!  Instead, my children will admire brave Princess Leia, who got down in the trenches to fight a rebellion.  They'll watch the adventures of clever Martha Jones, who overcame unrequited love and accomplished her goal of becoming a doctor!  They'll read about historical heroines like Anne Frank, Harriet Tubman, and Ruth, Deborah, and Jael of the Bible.  They'll read Jane Eyre and learn that a woman does not have to compromise her standards to find true love. 

At the same time as it has been repressing women, our culture has allowed, encouraged, and instructed men to take advantage of women doing just that - because such actions, of course, make them "manlier".  Men who are respectful of women's boundaries are shamed by their peers, considered weak or feminine - unable to "score".  Men who are sensitive are sometimes negatively labeled as "gay".  We reward brutality with scholarships and idolization.  We allow child abuse cover-ups on a huge scale, which in turn allows more children to be abused as leadership "figures things out".  Our popular music tells young men to "get some" without any thoughts about the future - or the past.  That's pretty dangerous.  Ask anyone with an STD - if you find someone willing to talk about the experience.

Can you see what I am getting at?  The Steubenville tragedy was awful, and yes, a lot of lives were ruined by the actions that took place that night.    Whatever poor decisions she had made - and I do personally believe that heavy drinking, regardless of age, is always a poor decision -  this girl absolutely did not "deserve" what she got.  No one stepped forward to help this young woman, because no one really thought anything bad was happening.  Their perception of the situation was influence by both alcohol and the effects of the media, which teaches that "she probably wanted it anyway".  Their obsession with social media allowed them to witness the events as through a lens, like they weren't even participating.  Just think!  If someone had been brave enough or angry enough to step in, maybe this wouldn't have happened!  Maybe reputations and friendships would have been preserved and the community would have remained intact.  

If we put out efforts into raising a generation of young men and women who respect themselves and each other, maybe the media will have less and less of these stories to feast upon.  

Eventually, that bloated beast just might starve.

Virgin Ears

When I was a child, the music that was popular was fairly mild by today's standards.  I listened to Paula Abdul, Boyz II Men, and Garth Brooks (I was a country fan for about three and a half weeks when I was 11 years old).  Everyone sang a lot about love, but even in the 80s and early 90s, most music wasn't too racy.  Innuendos were subtly intertwined with catchy new wave melodies, and I didn't have a clue that I was singing about sex along with Duran Duran and Cyndi Lauper.

When I was a teenager, N*Sync and Christina Aguilera were becoming popular.  I saw myself becoming more and more enthralled by the emotions that were encouraged by music - lust, loneliness, and love - as my adolescent hormones raged wildly out of control.  The fact that no boy I liked was interested in me probably helped pop music make its indelible stamp on my young psyche.  Come on...I wanted someone to want me the way guys wanted Brittany Spears when she sang "Baby One More Time".  Guys fell at her feet and she wasn't even trying!  I wanted a guy to feel about me the way the Backstreet Boys crooned about their dream girl.  I craved something I never quite understood, and I ached to know the captivation of real love as it was sung about in pop music - all-consuming, passionate, wild.

What I didn't understand at 19 was that much of what is sung about in pop music is no, in fact, love.  Though I admit my iPod is crammed with as many different kinds of music as you can imagine (yes, Enya is on there.  As are Sir Paul McCartney, Meat Loaf, and Green Day), I have found myself listening to the radio less and less these days.  I can't connect with singers like Ke$ha, who publicly stated that there is more to her personality than her glittery, drunken party image would imply.  With lyrics like those in "Take It Off" and "Booty Call", how am I supposed to think this woman wants anything more in life than to have sex and trash people's property?  I think Katy Perry has a great voice, a fun retro sense of style, and a creative mind.  However, songs like "Teenage Dream" just promote overt sensuality and premarital sex.  And, recently, Miley Cyrus has been under fire from all angles because of her sudden transition from perky tween pop-queen to ultra-dramatic sex kitten.

Forget the twelve year-olds in my church's youth group being influenced by this stuff; it's not something I want to influence me!  It's easy to believe the lie that being sexy is the way to win a man's affections.  We are fed that idea everywhere!  But the Bible advises women to be modest in dress (1 Timothy 2:9, which also talks about vanity being dangerous), and not to awaken love (or sensuality) until the proper time, which is after marriage (Song of Songs 2:7).  In fact, the Bible even warns men to avoid women who wish to gain attention and  manipulate them with sensuality (Proverbs 5).

And it's not just the pop princesses.  Male singers, too, bragging about how many women they have slept with, threatening to kill rivals, police officers, or anyone who opposes them, and boasting about the size of their bank accounts, are a discouraging image of masculinity as a whole. The Bible tells us that men are supposed to be respectful of women, treating older ones as mothers and younger ones as sisters (1 Timothy 5:2).  Lust got a lot of good men in trouble, including David, Solomon and Samson!  Scriptures also tell us to avoid giving in to wrath (Psalm 37:8), and to be wise with money, rather than storing it up uselessly (Proverbs 17:16, Ecclesiastes 5:10).  

Yet, lust, anger and greed are a large factor in much of popular music.  It's not just hip-hop and rap, which often get a bad rap (really, honestly...no pun intended) for lyrics about violence and the objectification of women.  Big, bombastic orchestral numbers like Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" and 80's throwbacks like Neon Trees' "Animal" talk about sex as though it were as essential as food or water.  

Guess what?  It's not.

God did create sex to be thoroughly enjoyed.  He wanted us to want it!  It is a gift from his to gratify us physically, to intensify the bond between husband and wife, and to allow us to be blessed with children.

It was never intended to be a sloppy, drunken mess in a motel room between total strangers.

We made it that way.  Worse, we made that way desirable and acceptable.  We have been teaching our children, via television shows, movies and music, that married sex is boring and a chore, and that illicit affairs are thrilling, victimless crimes.  Children are having sex younger and younger, not realizing what kind of a commitment it is, and how dangerous it can be outside of a marital relationship.  

It doesn't have to be that way.